Double binds are a great tool for pathological narcissists and women. Of course narcissism codes to man like borderline codes to woman. So it’s like that movie where the villain and the hero stand off and someone shouts “We aren’t so different, you and I.”
A double bind is where someone offers you two solutions to a problem, and both of them are bad aka Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It’s effective as a psychological tool because when another person enters that frame, they are forced to go above and beyond in order to avoid the negative outcomes (yelling, sexlife etc) or try to anticipate the right answer. You’d think that if people would know that both answers are wrong they wouldn’t try, but people don’t work like that. People, guys especially, love their wives, and really like their girlfriends. They assume that the person loves them back. The type of person who loves them back wouldn’t set them up like this.
Stop thinking like that. Women aren’t screwing you over on purpose, they are just wired that way. Enabling it by playing along insentiences more of it. Not engaging with it also makes it worse because
“Hey, it used to work, I must need to nag him harder!”
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It’s the most subtle, most common, and most damaging thing I’ve seen or heard of in relationships. I doubt it’s new, Taming of the Shrew was written long before the iPhone was launched. But luckily all those basic tools from Dr. Glover, Smith and the rest of the guys on the sidebar still work. After all these years and all these pages and pages of work, the same basic tools still reign supreme.
This case study is an alcoholic who doesn’t actually have an alcohol problem. I am not prepared to stand behind any alcohol treatment issues. I am not a doctor and don’t like how they called it a Covid vaccine so I wouldn’t trust me. What I do know is that he was using alcohol and distance as a coping mechanism for not being able to handle a double bind which his wife has learned to use at each and every opportunity to get her way.
It’s not that she’s evil, hates him, or is bad. It’s more like working out. If you always lift a certain way and get stronger, you build muscle memory. When you try to explain what you’re doing to someone you probably couldn’t, you just lift it. Same thing here. She can’t explain that she’s using double binds to dominate her husband, she just feels a certain way and communicates what she’s feeling to process it.
Billy and his wife
Something I realized this weekend is that my four biggest enemies are clear.
Lack of sleep
Alcohol
My mouth
My lack of hobbies beyond the gym
I spent last weekend looking after our two children while my wife headed to Paris with some girl friends. During this time I had a pretty good time — took son to football, daughter to the park, both kids out for food, did homework, bought a Christmas tree, went to the school Christmas fair, cooked them both healthy food, homework.
My wife gets home to find me in garden playing football with son and our daughter reading a book on the sofa. We’d finished dinner and I hadn’t yet cleared up. Rather than express any thanks for her 2 days away drinking wine in Paris or all the good shit I’d done with the kids, wife looks at the kitchen and goes ballistic.
I was tired and hadn't hit the gym for a couple of days and I might not keep my cool, so I put on my coat told her I wasn’t going to have her talk to me like that and walked out. I didn't go far. I drove up the road, parked and listened to music. She calls, begging me to come home and I do. When I get back I’m calm but distant and she doesn't like it so she starts up and I lose my shit. I shout and shout at her in front of the kids, tell her she’s an ungrateful bitch, that we’ve had a great time without her.
I am fucking screaming this at her.
She cries. The kids cry. I realize I have royally fucked up.
Why did I explode? I am not getting enough sleep. It's rare I get more than 6.5 hours sleep and combined with busy job, kids and lifting I know it's not enough. Even when I go to bed I fuck about on my phone or listen to music.
I realize now I have an unhealthy relationship with booze at home. After my wife went to bed in tears I drank a bottle of wine. I then drunkenly dicked about on YouTube. I didn't get enough sleep and woke up next day more exhausted. This is something I am doing again and again. Often at weekends when the kids and wife are in bed I fill the void with booze and it is doing me no good at all.
When I’m tired and or drunk I open my mouth and talk when I really shouldn’t. I yelled at my family. I scared my kids. I told my wife I wanted a woman who wanted me and wasn’t just putting out in order to keep living a life funded by me. Fucking idiot trying to negotiate desire. I know better than that.
My plan is simple:
Minimum 7 hours sleep a night starting now. I will set "go to bed alarms" and follow them
No drinking in the house. I have no issue with alcohol when I'm out at dinner or with friends, often drinking less than others, but man do I have an issue with using booze at home to fill an obvious gap; and I need to fill that gap.
I need more than the gym and running. These are solitary pastimes so I have already agreed to join a Dad's soccer team. But I need more. I need to be so fucking busy that I've got no time to dick about on my phone or pour a drink like it's some sort of valuable activity.
I’ll keep my mouth shut when the wife infuriates me as I wont be looking to her to validate my existence.
Have you considered Alcoholics Anonymous. And I know what your reaction is,
"No, wait i am not an alcoholic, I don't drink that much."
Let's pretend you're not. Humor me and tell if if you’ve read about their approaches and their stories and how people have made a positive difference in their lives by adopting a new mindset to viewing and approaches to handling alcohol.
Its crossed my mind but I haven’t given it serious thought. My own hamstering says I can happily go a month without and I’ve done this a few times as a health kick. There’s a clear pattern to when and where it feels like it’s a problem: at home, after arguments or a rejection from my wife where I can’t find any other form of release. About 18 months ago I alternated between alcohol and online gambling as my coping mechanism. Thankfully I kicked gambling before I got any financial losses but I had some proper hairy moments.
I am sorting my shit out so I’m lifting, eating better, dressing better, and reading. I have more of sense of purpose now. I’m still surprised by how relatively small setbacks can see me reaching for the bottle. To me this means I still measure my worth against my wife’s approval of me and that is something I know I need to change.
It’s clear that I need more hobbies, more regular social activities to fill my time and help feed into that better sense of self worth. It’s no surprise that I am generally happier and more attractive to my wife during the working week where I have lots of male contact, and achieve well in my job vs when I don't.
I am a brit though so I’m terrible at not drinking socially.
——
This is going against mainstream advice, and I guarantee many people who read it will think it irresponsible. Trying to solve someone’s problem with booze is risky. It’s much easier to evoke your ‘expert’ card and now the problem isn’t your fault. So whats the point of giving advice is all you did was mention an AA meeting or a shrink? Billy knew that already. It was because we don’t have an answer, at least not an answer we would be willing to be accountable for.
Simply saying “I don’t know” is an impossible ask. This is why they had to add it to Smiths Assertive bill of rights, which ultimately boils down to the final right to judge yourself is yours alone.
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