I often tell guys about how a man finds his way into the Red Pill while married. It’s a common story, and everyone has their own. They are always different, yet the same. This one is probably the first one I ever saw when I found my way here. It turns out there was a pipeline: from great sex to lackluster sex to a baby to no sex. The man went from no outlet into a subreddit called /r/deadbedrooms and then finds the Red Pill.
There’s mostly a case of guys doing the long game, writing field reports, doing the work, and making mistakes while learning from them. There’s the occasional guy who does it solo. Those solo guys usually end up finding out they have been wasting their time in covert contracts or ego defense, which are common ways guys screw up and waste their time working on their marriage (when they were supposed to be working on themselves and their options.)
But on the rare occasion, there’s a guy who just, clicks. He figures it out and puts his own succinct, messy, and eventually positive summary of field reports over an extended period of time. This guy was u/newdadthrowaway2. What you’re going to read is the story of a guy, which will likely resonate with you. If you’re married, came and found the Praxeology after prolonged sexlessness, you’ve probably felt the same way, had a similar story and gone through a similar road map. Part of the reason this stuff works so well is that men find out:
We aren’t along and for every problem we have, there’s at least a hundred other guys having the same one around the same time.
You’re making a believer out of me
I have been married 2 years now with a 7 year relationship leading up to it. We’ve just had our first kid. In this relationship I started out strong. Over the years I have let the great guy that I was melt away. I have become a full-scale sexless bitch; a real nice guy.
Our sex life was great back in college. All kinds of freaky shit for multiple times a week. I was happy and she was happy. We move in together and things get a little more plain. I thought that maybe this is just how it is growing up. We are both busy professionals, and I’m earning more money and making a great life for us. I guess this is how it happens.
We buy a house. I’m killing it at work. Making 100k a year, now 200k. It takes all my time so I had to give up going to the gym. She is a licensed accountant with a Masters degree so I hand over the household finances in an attempt to carve out some free time. She whines about her work when I get home and it pisses me off, so I tell her to quit her stupid job. I make more and we don’t need it.
She does. She stops complaining, which is nice, but sex life continues to die. She assured me that if she was comfortable and stopped stressing it would get better, but it didn’t. Again, I let it slide, but it's eating away at me. About a year ago I tell her that I need more. It’s been too long. I have tantrums like a child. This is not me. But in the moment if feels justified. I just freak out. Punch a hole in the drywall, cry. This isn’t my proudest moment.
I keep trying things that she suggests. We go on more dates. I offer more gifts. I give out massages. It turns out I did every covert contract you can imagine. Nothing brings sex back. In pure desperation I break down and visit prostitutes. My wife is still totally disinterested. What the fuck happened to me? I feel guilty that I have to pay for it but what am I supposed to do?
A half a year later the wife wants to start trying to get pregnant while she’s staying at home. The sex is ok while we are trying, but it’s really just a lot of missionary, and only when she is sure she's ovulating. This isn't fun. Whatever. She gets pregnant. Sex stops for a fucking year. Are the rules changing? What is happening now? By the end of pregnancy, I’m down to a disinterested duty hand-job every two weeks or so. I could get a duty starfish if I massaged her for an hour or some shit. Awesome.
Our kid was born 6 weeks ago and I worked even harder. I stayed up all night to help with feedings, getting no sleep. I’m cleaning the house constantly. Hey, why is a man who makes $200k doing fucking dishes every night? Because my wife doesn't like the idea of a maid and doesn't like cleaning and doesn't mind living in filth. I’m hanging out with the in-laws, running errands, changing diapers. My pastor calls me a servant leader.
I have never been so miserable. I made this anonymous throwaway account and victim puked about it on the new dad subreddit. It's shameful. I won't delete it. It's a reminder to me now of how low I was. We were all there to commiserate. It was pathetic.
We had the big 6 week appointment where it's OK to have sex again. I tried a few times, and whined when she wasn’t interested. I had another tantrum about it where I cried again. This was humiliating, but I ain’t deleting it. My low point: One night, while the baby is asleep I try to get a hand on her down there. I’m trying to be assertive but she's just laying there. She worms away and says
"It makes me uncomfortable when you touch me like that". This is it. This is my breaking point. I have no more fucks to give.
A switch flipped in my brain. I stared at her and couldn't say anything for a while. I wanted to freak out and throw another tantrum, but had already had a tantrum just a few days back. What was the point? It doesn’t change anything. I just stared for a while. Then I rolled over, laid down and started to think.
Divorce? maybe. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do with a new kid. More prostitutes? Maybe. It doesn't make me feel any better. An affair? Maybe. I’ll try anything. I laid there, checking off options with an open mind. I must make a change, even if it kills me. She tried to talk to me, ask whats wrong, offer a hand job. I ignored it, got up, and left. I was planning to divorce. I got on my computer.
I started googling and ended up in a r/deadbedrooms subreddit. Yes, there are lots of people like me, all here whining. They’re just whining. No-one here has answers, or sex. Someone mentions The Red Pill in passing. A lot of women in there got mad at him. I had heard of it before, but I never took it seriously. I assumed it was for cartoonish players who called themselves alpha males. But like before, I kept and open mind and decided to reserve judgment. I would have tried anything at that point. How much worse can it get? I end up in the married red pill space.
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