Replication matters more than rigor. This field report is from someone who was already a year into the Red pill before I ever showed up. I often talk about men who are beaten down by their wives and girlfriends, super nice guys afraid of taking the reigns, but this one is the other side of the coin: a man who fucks, and has the same path to redemption. In Praxeology Vol2 I talked about Billy and Chad, this is Chad. From it you’ll get a great example of accidentally figuring out male and female dynamics and running with what you learn.
I could call this an exception to the sad sack who usually takes the pill, but after seeing hundreds of field reports from hundreds of men I’ve found them to be fairly consistent, almost like they are from a template in the human genome. Every man when he writes his first field report does the same thing: he writes an autobiography of his life decisions without any focus or direction. They all look as if they are taken from at most 6 templates. I call them Batman Origin stories because every new Batman movie is required to kill Bruce Wayne’s parents in the first 15 minutes. We all know it happens, but have to see it every time.
The common tropes:
Casual lurker of Red Pill with surface level knowledge at best
Parents had failed parenting strategies, which I go into in Praxeology Vol 1, Frame[]
A messy yet realistic relationship scenario, since no one hooks up by the book anymore
Sex life dies completely a few years ago, either because of children or other dynamic
Man tries some things and has unexpected results. Decides to fully try Praxeology
Then a problem comes up they cannot figure out on their own
Pepper in a little or a lot of mainstream, ineffective moralizing and strategies; usually therapy and submitting to their woman and always a lot of useless communication.
A specific problem
I've been lurking for several months. I was subscribed to dozens of porn subreddits and the Red Pill was some extra reading that I found from the pick up subreddit. I swallowed the red pill about a month ago and slowly living it out, setbacks and successes. I no longer am interested in porn, and I've read about half the sidebar except the books. I’ll buy Glover on Christmas.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother and a typical conservative Christian aka submissive father in a strict, Christian, American household. I was also completely clueless when I met my wife in college. She was raised by a tough minded, traditional Mexican dad and neurotic submissive mother. She's a wonderful person: funny, thinks I'm funny, cooks like a boss, a good stay-at-home mom, wants to garden and get farm animals.
A perfect domestic woman, all green flags for me.
We got pregnant accidentally because her family doesn’t believe in condoms and my family believes in the new Christian church with lots of pre marital sex. The good Christian boy in me married her. The sex dried up almost immediately and despite my romancing and asking and begging and pursuing and flowers and chocolate and lingerie … she just didn’t care.
More than a few times I cried myself to sleep with a raging hard-on. The longest dry spell I had in our marriage was 7 months. Then I did a very stupid thing. I will probably get backlash for this, but please, I've learned from this and I'm trying really hard to fix it.
I cheated. A lot.
She caught me as she was pregnant with our second child which was also accidental. She grabbed an IUD immediately afterwards. A year and a half after the cheating, shit hit the fan. I'm seeing a therapist for sexual addiction. I'm 27.
Since I’ve arrived here I've realized that, due to both my blue pilled nature and the damage from the affair, I was beginning to fear her. If she was upset at our dog I winced because I should be doing something to fix her emotions. We were no longer having sex because I worried she would feel like she was being raped. I stopped what little guy-friend time I had to prove I was loyal.
We could be having the best day every and all it took was one reminder of what I did to turn her into an angry, sobbing, screaming mess. Her outbursts are become rarer, but still strong. She was calling the shots on everything now. To avoid an argument, I would let her. If she was pissed for whatever reason, I would just cower and wait for it to blow over.
I felt little hope for my marriage. I stopped caring so much and did my own thing, but not cheating. I started researching how to restore old motorcycles and am saving up to buy one. I started reading for fun. I bought a tobacco pipe. I started working on my style. I'm remodeling a shop in my backyard into a small home gym so she can do some personal training for extra income, and I can use it too. I felt like an enslaved mine worker who collects shiny rocks he finds, just for some sort of diversion from the misery that is his life.
Then I came here and overcorrected. I know I went Rambo. The last week and a half I've felt terrible for how confused my wife is and I want to be more comforting or at least find balance. One good result: we've has more sex in the last two weeks than in the rest of 2014 (4). I'm not waiting around for her to heal from the affair and I'm taking initiative. The sex has been mind blowing.
I'm not sure going full alpha is right for me, considering the affair. Dread game will blow up in my face because to her it’s a legitimate fear that I will cheat again. Backing off when she resists sex will make her freak out that I'm getting it somewhere else, because I used to. Here's my thought: maybe her shit tests aren't your typical shit tests, maybe they are comfort. But how can I hold frame and deal with it at all?
She doesn’t want sex but wants sex
I initiated sex a couple nights ago, after a day of loving texts, kisses when I got home, and helping out around the house. She kept pushing me away, so I stopped
“You're pushing me away.”
“Sometimes I don't want sex. Sometimes I just want to be close to you and cuddle.”
“Guys have physical needs.”
“You gave up that right when you cheated on me, and its going to take a long time for me to get past that.” She starts sobbing
“Ok, I'm going to go read my book.”
Which is bullshit because of amazing sex the prior week. Also, her hamstering about too much change, stop being an asshole, this marriage will not last if you continue like this.
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Christmas Latte but not like that
We were going to drive through the neighborhood and view everyones Christmas decorations like we do every year. She had hinted that she wanted to get Starbucks on the way. I told her I didn't want to charge it to our credit card and wanted to be more financially responsible. She pouts,
“I feel like a 2 year old getting scolded.”
Beyond that, she was great. Didn't blow up at me, didn't hamster, didn't whine. I held frame. I decided to reward her behavior and pulled into Starbucks.
“No, don't, no. I'm too embarrassed now. You embarrassed me. You don't have to be such an asshole and make me feel scolded.”
“That wasn't my intention. I made the decision I felt was right for our family, and you didn't complain about it or give me a hard time. I felt like that deserves Starbucks. Want some?”
“No.”
So my son and I got drinks, and she got none. On the way home though, she asked to redeem her drink. I turned around.
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Fight 2: Electric Boogaloo
As long as there's no conflict to rock the boat, we get along great. During lunch I mentioned whip-cream sexy times. Later that night I tried to cuddle up, but she pushed me away, citing the memory of my affairs as what was keeping her from being into it.
“Just give me a minute.”
I was nonchalantly cool with it. We talked for a bit, I read a book while she watched tv. Then the kids woke up out of no where and it got late. I kissed her and went to bed. I had an early morning tomorrow.
She blew up, mad because I can't just change my mind like that, and I was so tired I blew her off and tried to sleep. She was literally grabbing my arm to force me over to talk to her as she's yelling and crying. I argued calmly with her, tried to explain how she was overreacting due to her own expectations, and how I don't just see her as a sex object.
What could I do? She met me in bed to yell and argue, and I sure as hell wasn't going to resign to the couch. Today, she's not eating, not taking care of the kids, she's scheduled an appointment with our marriage counselor. She seems to be truly distraught.
I need help assessing what I'm doing wrong. She's falling apart, and taking my kids (and even my dogs for God's sake) with her. As much as I think she's just really not used to me being strong, I really do feel like I'm being an asshole. At the same time, I didn't do a single thing wrong except ignore her feelings. Am I being to cold-hearted? I'm having a hard time finding the right balance. I don't want to do more damage, but I know I absolutely should not backpedal.
The next evening, after she puts the kids to bed,
“Obviously I want to talk about last night.”
It worked out actually, because I wanted to talk too. It was breakthrough city for her. I used some reverse Socratic method, assuming her statements were true, asking questions and clarifying, and letting her explain herself into contradiction. She kept claiming that I should have seen that me taking myself to bed had hurt her feelings and that the fury she directed at me was really not about me but about the bad day she had, telling me,
"Stop taking it so personally!"
Two minutes later, she said we are responsible for our delivery, how we come across to others.
I laughed inside.
I drove home the point that I cheated on her because of her neglect, which had her sobbing and feeling ashamed that she contributed to our marital problems. Finally, I'm not the only bad guy. Also, another moment:
“We're going to do such-and-such this way”
“But what if we did it this way?”
“No, this way, because xyz.”
“But what about - I'm doing it, aren't I?”
“Doing what?”
“Challenging you and not letting you lead.”
“Yes.”
We made some breakthroughs. Red Pill guys talk about working to identify the hamster. I'm starting to see it, and it really helps me take myself out of the situation and address the real issues of our arguments.
♦♦♦
Going to the bar blowout
A friend of mine bar tends every Friday night, and I finally got around to making plans to visit. Thursday evening I'm texting the bros to make the plans, and my wife starts freaking out that I'm going to a bar where there's going to be girls. It went from shouting anger to begging me not to go. The more she fought, the colder I became. She kept stating that she just wanted her fears to be acknowledged and heard but I saw that the only way to hear her feelings were to not go. I remained stoic, very calm, and quite unaffected by her rollercoaster.
I didn't leave as soon as I should have.
*This is a country bar where there's line dancing, so no grinding or couples dances; I would be around my friends the entire time; my friends are very supportive of my marriage and wouldn't turn a blind eye to any shenanigans, much less encourage me to flirt. So really no reason for her to be afraid.*
Friday at work she blew my phone up. Texts, calls, calls to my office phone, you name it. And it was mostly begging me to reply and listen to her feelings, which I know isn’t what she wanted
I'm ashamed to say, I caved:
"Fuck it I won’t go! It's not worth this misery you're putting us through! You allowed your fear to rule you and convince you that I am still cheating on you. You believe that if only I don't go the bar, I won't cheat on you. Fact is, babe, I could cheat whenever I the hell I feel like it because I have that choice to make. I don’t because I value our marriage and I still think you're worth it. Plain and simple. But you getting your way in this situation does not lead to a happier marriage. For you maybe, but not us. Actions have consequences. This is not going to resolve peacefully. This is the beginning of a division that will truly be painful. Your fear has caused you to disrespect me, made an issue out of nothing, and created resentment. This is not building trust, but destroying it on both sides.”
I added later that I was staying because she was neglecting the kids while having a temper tantrum. I know, it was big time fail. Please rip this apart, because I know it deserves it.
I talked to the bar tending friend who is is Red Pilled already, and he agreed that she lost control and I shouldn't shoulder the entire blame. I changed my mind and went anyway. I know this wasn't anywhere close to a save, I botched it.
Over the weekend I added back in some light flirting, which she ignored and instead spewed more feelings a few times, mostly late at night as I'm struggling to stay awake. She knows not to try to talk to me about serious stuff past 11pm, yet she does it anyway and gets angry at me when I don't fully engage. That's an area I need to work on drawing a firmer boundary.
I realized she is not your typical Western woman. She wasn't raised believing the world revolved around her. Her father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and she resented him for it. He was too much of an asshole. So when I draw a boundary, the feminist in her fights me. When the feminist is done the scared little girl comes out, takes responsibility for the entire thing to earn appeasement, and retreats into broken submission. I don't know how to handle that. Is it good that she submits like that?
Later she said she had an epiphany, where she wasn't actually afraid I was going to cheat again, but she just wanted her feelings that I was to be heard. Fuck my life.
I call this our Main Event because along the way she threatened that our marriage wasn't going to work,
“You know where the door is,”
This is biggest throw-down since I've swallowed the pill.
♦♦♦
Analysis
This is a fairly in depth piece that I have to break down into parts:
Infidelity is an increase in dread without a corresponding increase in sexual value
It is not your job to keep the peace. Strong emotions aren’t a failure
The neurotic captain and his constantly complaining passenger
Communication is useless
Freud had a point. Failed parenting strategies
They will learn from you and take all the credit
Before I get into the parts, one thing I always find amusing in these field reports is how men bury the lead. There is always a conservative Christian values, or alternatively feminist ally speak soapboxing.
