I’m doing deeper dives into the case studies. Instead of using them to describe concepts, I am using a single person and showing the general process men have when unplugging and some simple mistakes on basic concepts can make things take longer than they should.
I’ll start with my edited version of his field report then some comments at the end. Subscribed members get more in-depth material in a separate post.
Friday. I got home from work and my wife wanted to talk.
“Soon, when I'm ready.”
I played with my daughter for a half hour, cleaned up around the house, decompressed. An hour later: “I am ready to talk.”
She started with how I don't respect her and how I ignored her calls. Her tone was indignant and upset somewhat rightfully so, considering I basically ignored her all week. Next time, I think I'll be better suited to handle it. I told her calmly and authoritatively,
“If you’d like to have a conversation, talk to me as an adult. Otherwise, I'm not talking about this.”
I walked into the other room and started reading. She came in a few minutes later,
“You're right. I'm sorry. Can I start over?”
“Yes. What is bothering you?”
“I feel like you've been ignoring me for the past couple days, and it really hurts. I just want things to be the way they were before this stupid fight.”
“This was absolutely a stupid fight, and I understand why you're upset. However, it was a huge turn-off that you used sex to get your way. It was childish, and frankly, I won't put up with it. That's why I spent my time this week productively. I don't have the time nor the energy for these games.”
“Yes, but you ignored me! Why couldn't you just pick up my calls and tell me you didn't want to talk? It really hurt.”
“I understand that you were upset, but again, this all started when you tried using sex as a weapon. That's a game I'm not going to play. As long as you are playing that game, I'm not going to interact with you.”
“I know, it was really wrong, and I'm sorry. I won't do it again.”
“I appreciate your apology, but it's not what's important to me. What's important is avoiding silly fights like this in the future. They aren't productive, and they don't help us further our family's success. What are you going to do differently in the future to avoid these situations?”
“I'm not going to use sex as a weapon. I understand that it was wrong, and I won't do it again.”
“Okay. And I understand why you were upset, ignoring your calls was not the right way to handle the situation, and I should have handled it differently. In the future, I will try not to let these silly fights get to me as much.”
“Okay, thanks.”
We had guests for dinner and the entire time she was giving me eyes and making as much physical contact as possible; putting her hand on my legs, etc. I tried to play it cool. It was difficult. After our guests left I told her to go to bed. She had worked hard cooking dinner and taking care of our baby. I appreciated her hard work and I'll clean up. Normally, she’d fall asleep right away. This time she was waiting up for me, and had slipped into something more comfortable. A great night was had by all.
Her attitude and behavior toward me has changed. The entire weekend, she was treating me like I was the man of the house, listening to what I had to say and following my directions. A few times she tried to tell me what to do when it wasn't warranted. I appreciated her suggestion and I’d take it under advisement. Sometimes she was right and I thanked her, told her she was right and that we'd do things her way. Can't think of specific examples, not really important.
I bought myself a new pair of shoes yesterday and a few suits. Normally, she'd grill me about cost and need. This time, she didn't ask,
“Can I see?”
“Not now, but if you’re good you can see and take them off when I get home from work.”
Overall, I made a few big missteps, but I held frame most of the time, and came out on top and then on bottom, and then on top some more, and then behind. I'd buy each of you a beer if I could. Well, at least those of you with helpful advice.
Read the newest and best selling book from the Red Pill in 2023
Analysis
I’ll start with a broad overview, then pick the various subtextual parts of the guys field report to show you where the issues are.
Simply put, this is why communication is ineffective. If you look at the conversation through a status/harmony lens, you see it for what it is, a power struggle played by toddlers. Both sides are attempting to assert their point of view. It’s validation seeking and neither side really care about the other, they just want to be heard.
Who cares if she hears your justification for what you do? You’re supposed to be praxeological, you’re supposed to have read through Manuel Smith No More Mr Nice Guy. You’re supposed to not require justification and trust your own judgement. Who cares if your wife understands? The only reason anyone wants understanding is, ultimately, validation and permission to lead.
If you’ve read Praxeology volume 2, Dread, then you already know better. You cannot lead someone who doesn’t let you. You lead, period. Followership is optional.
Beyond that, there’s various tells in the field report that show you the underlying issues:
The line “Soon, when I’m ready” was an attempt to control the flow of information. The problem with the fake it tactics is they are not sustainable. They are overtly manipulative and off putting. The only reason they work here is because she wants something from him and doesn’t have a male ego that prevents her from going through some hoops to get what she wants. Women have no issue topping from the bottom.
If you have to tell someone ‘I won’t put up with it anymore’ then it’s a bluff. Leaving the house, not answering texts, and refusing to engage in communication is how you don’t put up with it. Talk is cheap, acta non verba. IT’s the motto of the marriedredpill for good reason.
Apologies. You see a great example why they are useless in here. She uses it to mean ‘stop being mean, start acting nice.’ She didn’t feel remorse and change her behaviour. She actually continues to weaponize her sex life with the guy, or at least tries to. She used a bunch of words and he did what she wanted, then rewarded him with sex.
Sex isn’t off the table in a type 2 captain scenario. The problem isn’t the sex, the problem is the guy has to have a fight every time it’s on the table. The communication, the resolution, the texting and emails didn’t matter. Strong emotions, then release. He could have easily gotten to the same place and not supplicated had he called her a cunt, turned his phone off then been at the bar or his buddy’s place for a few hours. She may say she wanted certain treatment, but what she really wanted was to be dominated in this way. I’ll never get bored with the amount of serious, real, definitely about the nail type of issues that boil down to a woman wanting to get turned on with a little chaos. It’s why I’ve written about the mental model of Manufactured Outrage.
This is how the rollercoaster works. He got pissed off because she is emasculating him. He asserts himself in a ham fisted way, incongruently asserts his boundaries, then comes home to emotional conflict. She fucks him and he leans back and thinks he’s got it all figured out. He doesn’t change his behavior in fundamental ways and reverts back to the boring unattractive man that encouraged her bitchy behaviour in the first place. Repeat. This is why you can’t just fake it, and have to become the kind of guy who sets expectations.
Guys love to be the leaders of the household, well in this case, lead the emotions. It’s called push and pull for a reason. Nice one day, mean the next. If you need some help to understand, may I suggest any book from Colleen Hoover?
All in all, it’s a good beginner field report, and the guy has potential. Unfortunately in these sort of situations the guy needs to truly be over her shit. Doctors orders, hate her a little bit, and manage her emotions on your timeline, not hers. Then you can leave your food containers out and not start world war three over nothing.
How does a guy know when a woman wants to be dominated instead of wanting the certain treatment she says she wanted, bullet point 4 at the end.
Got Dread. Halfway through. Excellent read. Love it.