Case Study: Wife won't take last name
The little proxy wars that we use to avoid a parasitic relationship enforced by the lemmings in our social circles
The problem with a longitudinal look at field reports is that real life doesn’t make a good story. In a story you have progression, drop feeding character development, a climax then a new normal. In real life multiple things happen at once, people change, regress, then change again. There is no climax and there’s no a ha moment where all the characters learn to be better people. This is our American Christian friend Billy and understanding in his own little way, the way the modern church has completely ruined his marriage.
However, even 9 years ago, when we didn’t nearly have the refined ideas about red pill, Dread or Frame that we have now, we still knew enough to have him carve out a plan. Both to actualize his own needs, as well as train his wife to be … wifely. At the same time, you see nothing but a Servant Leader written all over this man, it’s his identity. This is why these sorts of men have so much trouble taking the red pill, they build their entire identity by being attentive to, and fixers of their wives needs.
This is a typical type 2 captain: The captain and his constantly complaining passenger. You have a neurotic wife who dumps her responsibility for regulating her behavior onto her husband. He uses this ‘need’ to validate his internal masculine identity. It’s parasitic and doesn’t help anyone. Deep down, guys know they aren’t happy, but they don’t know what to do. Their friends, family, and church are equally fucked so they are gaslit into thinking they must be crazy and everyone is like this.
They aren’t.
Over the next year, Billy makes some successes, and a few failures, as well as one critical issue. I stopped after the first year, but he did return a year afterwards, realizing he had a covert contract with Dread. He figured if he did all the steps his wife would stop being neurotic and he would have a happy, problem free life. That’s the issue. He was doing some of the right things, making progress, but since his core expectation was a covert contract, he missed all of the benefits he could have gotten from this.
For the unsubscribed, he went off half cocked. After sexual rejection he fingered his complaints into his phone and found a forum for the red pill. He heard about the sidebar and the requirement to lift. He got started. Because it’s all new his first day was full of bluster. Over the coming weeks he would instantly ‘teach’ everyone about manning up the red pill way.
Note: This is important for anyone reading this. Most red pill guys offering you advice have no idea what they are doing, and their advice could be utter dogshit and the opposite of what you should be doing. It’s because they are in the novelty phase. The devout love to treat everything like a new religion and so they become missionaries. The problem is what I call the karate problem: The people who talk about karate the most are the white belts.
His successes were that he’s figuring out that it isn’t his job to keep the peace, and he is not responsible for his wife’s emotions. He has also figured out that sexual desire comes at the tail end of neuroticism. The problem he had is that he treats his wife’s anxiety like it was a failure on his part. Over the coming months he would end up in situations that made her jealous or anxious. He would then see blowjobs and sex at the end of the neurotics. When his wife tried to do her wifely duties, sans anxiety, she had constant barriers in the way of them enjoying sex. Basically:
Every unhappy wife is a rape victim.
And in the end, he noticed the trade that all men and women make. Sex in exchange for validation. Sexual desire comes at the tail end of anxiety. Frame matters more than anything and you don’t have Frame if her anxiety becomes your anxiety. A lot of people see these behaviors and think men are distancing themselves and becoming assholes. Its’ really a man building his own identity and not taking responsibility for things he has no control or authority over.
Responsibility without authority is slavery.
The failures are worse. An entire year, and still he couldn’t put his own life into his own perspective. His entire list of actions was reactive. The entire framing of his life was through she statements. His wife was in charge, she was a Swiss watch that he was desperately trying to figure out. As soon as the last spring was in place he would be able to perfectly manipulate her feelings for a problem free life. You get the deal.
Then there was the negotiated sexlife. It never works, and this is when he learned to walk away from shitty sex. It wasn’t thing then, but after seeing it a few hundred times, it became a mental model for the red pill. When your wife is offering you the bare minimum, one strategy is to zip up and walk away without being hurt about it. Turning down sex is one of those things that messes with a girls wiring, as they all have (as David Claire puts it) magic pussy syndrome, and a denial fucks with a core belief women have.
And as with everything, it always starts with some incidental argument over values. He started because his wife wouldn’t take his last name, but quickly learned what most shitty couples do. They are dishonest with themselves about their problems and issues, and so they invent proxy battles to fight over to keep their identity intact.
Starting Now
I have been married 6 years now, and started just today to go through the sidebar.
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