Codependency, and you

Part of getting out of your wife's frame is learning the ways you want to be there.

Codependence is the mans equivalent of having borderline personality disorder. I write often about men who have been raised to act like defective women. Codependency is the primary trait of these men. It’s a combination of validation seeking behavior, fears of abandonment, and pathological levels of conflict avoidance.

While borderline is a trait where someone develops their identity through a stronger identity, mirroring that identity for personal self worth, codependent men find their identity through care taking behaviors and covert contracts. It’s not that they define themselves based on the identities of their women, it’s that they define themselves based on saving her from imagined (in other words, he makes them up) deficiencies.

You may have heard of the terms I can save her, or she doesn’t want to be saved, so you may understand the dynamic. Codependency is a form of narcissistic fantasy. The difference between the typical NPD and this one is that the made up identity is of a martyr.

If you’ve ever had your wife nag you into doing something you know is wrong and you purposefully screw it up just to yell that you told her so, then you have this to some extent.

Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy talks about nice guy behaviors. These are functionally identical to the codependent ones I’m talking about. If you can see yourself in the following mental models, this is the first step in shedding these behaviors and becoming less unattractive.

Get out of your wife’s frame.

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

Women either have agency or they don’t, depending on which serves her best at the time. This is paraphrased by author Rollo Tomassi, describing the exaggerated sense of responsibility codependent men use with their wives and girlfriends. Sharia law may forbid women from driving, but the codependent man thinks he’s not a real man if his girl drives anywhere herself, or if he should ever sit in the passenger seat. It’s a way of fighting off neuroticism through control, except for expecting the woman to willingly submit to her infantilization because he’s unable to stand by his needs.

If you’ve derived your value from the identity of ‘father, husband, servant-leader’ or any other sort of caretaker archetype, then you may wonder whats wrong with leaning into the protector instinct we all have? And to a point, nothing. The problem comes when it becomes the identity, when it becomes pathological. If you don’t know the difference, wait until someone denies it. Your emotional response will give you certainty.

When I deployed in pirate hunting with the Canadian Royal Navy in 2008, we were given a brief on the various mental health concerns with a deployment. One thing that stood out was a caution for men that 6 weeks after returning home was when they were most likely to beat their wives. When a man returns home after a year and sees his wife handling the family business competently, he sees this as an attack on his identity. He is meant to be the protector and provider. By becoming a functional adult, his wife attacks his identity and the man takes a narcissistic injury. Sometimes that can come out in abusive behavior.

Being responsible for your family is a fine trait for a husband. Feeling threatened by your wife being competent is not.

Confusing love and pity. Loving people they can pity and rescue

Since I’m on the naval references, captain of the U.S.S. Saveaho is equally codependent. Men who have an exaggerated sense of morality with their women exemplify this. On one side of their mouth they shame women for tattoos, colored hair, single motherhood and promiscuity. On the other they are attracted to these exact type of women.

It’s an evil covert contract where they think that if they can find a deficient woman, and show her a better way, that she will love him forever and he will have a problem free life. The problem with this is, like with any covert contracts, she does not want to be saved.

Whores don’t wear a uniform.

The problem with this specific type of codependency is that it never correlates to a womans behavior. Guys always have to close their eyes and see no evil once the buy into the fantasy. No man wants to commit to a woman who isn’t faithful, but these identity symbols are no better than guesswork. They say they select for chastity but what they are actually selecting for is the ability to deceive.

This is detrimental for men as they stop looking at women with their eyes and start to see her with his misguided heart. They don’t pay attention as they are too busy thinking about the narcissistic fantasy. In a way, he’s begging the woman in front of him to save him from his delusions, and most women respond very negatively to this.

Like many codependent behaviors, the conflict they are trying to avoid is made more certain,

Doing more than more than you share

This is specifically a trait for the type 2 captain. The constantly working captain for his complaining passenger is a form of codependency. The problem isn’t that there is a lot of work to be done, the problem is why the guy is doing it.

It’s a thinly veiled attempt at getting validation. Choreplay, or doing the dishes because she would have more sex if she wasn’t so stressed is one common way this manifests. Selfish and demanding women will capitalize on this. If you’ve ever seen pregnant wives who demand to be coddled, say they must no longer be subject to anything physical etc, then you’ve seen how and why this dynamic hurts men.

This isn’t to say you need to have a balanced, 50/50 set of household duties to have a strong relationship, but it does mean guys need to look at the reasons why they have committed to being the plow horse in this stable. The best plow horse doesn’t get the warm bed when he’s no longer useful. The best plow horse gets sent to the glue factory when he’s out of plow.

Becoming hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

This is the mildest form of narcissistic injury to the codependent man. Everything he does is a covert contract. He does the chores because he wants his attaboy, he wants his validation. He coddles his wife because he wants that attaboy. He promises to save her from her life of sex and drugs and devotes his life to making a good woman out of her because he wants that attaboy.

He wants that attaboy, he wants that validation.

And when she doesn’t reciprocate all those sacrifices, he gets resentful. Conversations become long winded whiny rants about how she doesn’t love him anymore because she never shows him, or any number of passive aggressive victim rants. Men are never the victim because no one can make us do things. You cannot rape the willing.

The process is consistent: do something for the attaboy. Wait for validation. When it’s not received, get resentment. Have that resentment manifest as passive aggressive, whinny demands for more love.

An unhealthy dependence on relationships.

The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment