Author Note: I cannot stand by the idea of wife as fixer upper and making her problems your fault, but I need this to reference so here
Having been on this MRP journey for a while now, I often see new and old folks continually providing information in regards to depressive wives but I’m not sure if it’s been covered yet in extensive detail for the crowd here that actually want to take ownership of the problems. For the record, my wife is diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder that leads to depression and bi-polar tendencies. She also has family history of anxiety disorders. That’s what the doctors tell us, anyways.
Like a lot of people here, I came to MRP with some or all of the following ideas. Maybe you have found yourself saying the following:
My wife is suffering from depression.
My wife is on some type of medication(s) to help treat that depression so I’m lucky – meds will help me solve this.
My wife is crazier than the average AWALT woman. She has <insert disorder here> and that makes her crazier. I am contemplating if my woman picker and vetting method was wrong.
If she would just get her shit together our lives would improve.
Intimacy and sex in my marriage is lacking or an IV drip, and I want better. It's due in part to her depression or anxiety.
First statement: Your wife is suffering from depression.
Remember, way back when, you were dating your wife and she was bubbly and fun to be around? She perhaps even acted like a little girl – wanting to please you in any way she could. That was awesome, right? Well, it’s not like that now, right? It’s because she’s suffering from XYZ ailment or depression, right?
Wrong.
Now picture this: You’re truly OYS. You are as close as you can be to the man you want to be right now. radiate positive warm energy with zero ego. When you come into a room, that room literally comes alive. People remember your energy from last time and greet you warmly. You’re a man of strength and impeccable truth. You meet an old friend at a local bar for a single malt scotch and in two hours you have three women give you their number without you asking – and you’re 100% certain that two of them would have fucked you in the parking lot given the opportunity. You say goodbye to your buddy after two drinks only and head home. What would you expect as you entered your home? The same energy you felt in that room.
How long has it been since you gave off that masculine energy in your home that literally brings your wife alive? Through your humor and deep understanding of who you are, can you guide her through her depressive moods into being alive again? Are you that skilled at winning this shit test?
If your wife is depressed, it’s all your fucking fault.
You’re not being the man that you need to be. Yet, you continue to live with your depressed wife because…. Well, why do you? Because you innately know that you’ve at least contributed to her depression and know the “fixer” inside of you must fix this. Men are great at fixing shit. Especially when we’ve broken it ourselves. Here’s a wakeup call for you dude: you didn’t contribute to her depression – you set the stage for it and all she did was fill your container. But your container was a sad looking one at that because even you don’t know your own fucking potential. Your wife knows your potential and is a mastermind of seeing right through your bullshit excuses. She only desires the best in you. It’s programmed in her DNA. She’s also programmed through hypergamy to stay with your Beta non-achieving existence until she literally has a depressive breakdown and runs to Alpha Chad. So, what do you do?
Accept that this is all your fault. Sidebar. Lift. Let go of your ego that it’s her fault she’s depressed. It’s yours. Sidebar. Lift. STFU. Post here. Get advice. Get as close as you can be to the man you want to be – and watch your house and container have the opportunity to be full of great energy again.
If you’re not giving your wife the opportunity 100% of the time to fill your great container, you’re enabling her depression. Everytime you say to yourself “but she is depressed” you are DEERing and making excuses. DEERing is enabling behavior, and in this case you’re essentially saying: I’m not strong enough to handle her.
Maybe you’re not strong enough right now. The greatest teacher you will ever encounter is usually your wife. She will test you to the ends of the earth for congruency so that when you enter the world you are primed to deliver her the best slab of meat, pile of money, healthiest children, and happiness. She looks to you to provide everything in her life and the only way she can ensure you deliver is if she tests the fuck out of you. She wants to submit to your greatness and fill the container provided more than anything she has ever wanted. It’s in her DNA.
Will you be the man that’s capable of doing that?
Second Statement: My wife is on some type of medication(s) to help treat that depression so I’m lucky – meds will help me solve this.
You’re trying to rationalize medications = fix her depression. DEER some more.
This is a touchy subject. Most of the medical community agrees that there are chemical imbalances in the brain that can cause certain behaviors to outshine others given certain triggers, situations, or lifestyle. Instead of focusing on those things it’s a lot easier to re-calibrate the brain chemical balance nowadays to placate people with an easy way out. That’s the bad way out.
Personally I do think there is a time and place for SSRI’s or similar. But only when you’re not strong enough to handle that on your own. Maybe you need a bump to get you through to your next mission. That is still DEERing, but it’s controlled and with forethought. If you have goals in mind like: I will take this, knowing it’s not going to help me long term, but will help me short term to get back on track…. Take the SSRIs or encourage your wife to do so.
However, it is not a long term fix. The only long term fix for recalibrating the brain is unfucking yourself and leading your wife to do the same to fall into your unfucked frame.
Medications like SSRIs also decrease libido in both sexes and well… we know how scared you are of that. So, stop making excuses or rationalizing pill popping.
For the record, my wife was on 4 different medications until about a year ago. You name it, she’s had it for years. For some reason I encouraged her to drop all meds. She did. It was a mistake. I did not yet have the frame required to lead her to filling my great container because frankly – I didn’t have a great container to show her. I lacked frame. I would suggest encouraging your wife to come down/off of medications once you’re confident you can hold frame and lead her.
My wife is now medication free and happier than I have seen her ever because now I can hold frame. She still has depressive waves and crazy anxious moments, but the oak tree gently sways in her storms and provides a safe place for her. You become the solution to the depression and anxiety – not medications.
Third Statement: My wife is crazier than the average AWALT woman.
This could be true, but you win in both scenarios:
She is crazier than the average AWALT woman. Great! You’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime to become an even better and stronger version of yourself than you ever knew possible. You’ll learn a lot from her. You’ll learn to be the best fucking oak tree there is. If you decide to next her after learning everything you can and because it’s actually that serious, you’ll be primed to take your training with you. Be thankful your wife is crazy. You're in the top 1% elite motherfuckers out there and will slay them all.
She is not crazier than the average AWALT woman. Great, then you probably recognize that when she does act like this you’re DEERing and enabling shitty behavior most of the time. You probably recognize this is all your fault. Give her a better container and you’ll be fine.
Fourth Statement: If she would just get her shit together our lives would improve.
Well, yeah. Duh. Of course you want her to get her shit together. But how can she get her shit together when she is married to Captain Fucktard? She can’t. She will continue to test you and your congruency until she is satisfied. Only then will she begin to look inward at herself and make changes to not let the 1000ft rope slip out of her hands. In my experience there is always a rope. You will have learned to be patient and strong enough to notice even minor efforts and failures for her to get her shit together and follow you. In my humble opinion, the greatest men that I know have the most patience and are willing to play the long game to get exactly what they want in the end.
You will have to ask yourself how patient you’re willing to be. That’s personal to you.
Fifth Statement: Intimacy and sex in my marriage is lacking or an IV drip, and I want better. It's due in part to her depression or anxiety.
Of course you want more and better sex. “But my wife is depressed”, right?
Wrong.
It’s all your fucking fault. If you truly are willing to work hard for what you want it will require just that: hard work. Stop being Captain Faggot that feels entitled to your wife’s sexual desire. You will not change your sex life overnight. Your wife won’t suddenly get a magic pill that will make her Mrs. Cocklover and cure her depression. Your wife won’t suddenly wake up one day and realize her man is getting a little bit better. Your wife will fight you tooth and nail not to follow your lead and hard work. Only when you have achieved abundance will she submit to you.
Your wife might have sex with you, but she won’t fuck you with all she’s got. Why? Because you are enervating and literally sucking any bit of good energy out of her. She can only generate so much good energy on her own. Do you like sucking dick? Because it’s not your job to suck on her. It’s her job to suck on you. So give her something good to suck on: your true self, direction, power, love, ambition, direction, sexual energy, and strength. Let her suck it out of you. If you’re truly that man you’ll be so full of abundance it will feel like a drop of water missing in the ocean. Or alternatively, it will feel like she blew your so hard and passionately that when you cum you still have enough in reserves for her to suck on you all over again, and again. That’s power.
She will suck that out of you faster than you’ve ever seen. That’s why we talk here so much about abundance. You have to hold more than just for yourself so that the container can be filled with what she sucks out of you.
The more often you have abundance for her to suck down her little throat, the more often she will know it’s available to be an escape to. She’s seeking escape from her depression. Give her the best you’ve got, and she’ll come back to you time and time again.
Final Thoughts:
This is how I’ve moved my wife from clinically depressed with a severe anxiety disorder to a place of peace – or as peaceful as her physical mind will allow her to be. She still has manic moments, but they are quickly resolved by an abundant frame if I have it available. And now she immediately gets into bed every night and the first that she does is grab my cock because… it’s safe. It’s an escape. She doesn’t want to lose this safe place that she can come to anytime, without judgement. In turn, she feels that power of the oak and is undeniably attracted to it.
But, you have to like your wife. Yes, you love her. But you really have to like her to want to go through this journey with her. You have to want to be the best version of you ever.
Strength, motherfuckers.
Edit:
Looks like there needs to be some clarification for the noobs that come here since you all tend to take anything written as Gospel:
You’re not a doctor. Make sure she has one. No one is suggesting you encourage a person on meds to treat depression or anxiety to completely go cold turkey on them. I did that, it was a huge mistake. My wife very well could have had a psychotic break – but I was lucky. Don’t do that. Guided tapering by a qualified medical professional is essential here.
The idea behind tapering meds is that once YOU HAVE AN ABUNDANT FRAME it will allow you to re-baseline the relationship and your/her behavior. You may be able to uncover covert contracts in this way. My wife may need to re-balance with medication in the future, but it will come from a different and more powerful frame.
You need to calibrate to your own personal situation. Don’t go Rambo. This shouldn’t read like a “how-to”.
I agree that some (note: minor %) people could be inherently bad picks and have serious issues. I agree that exists. The difference is from which frame you hold with them. If you can do all the hard work you should be able to make a very, very easy decision as to whether or not they are irredeemable. But until you do that, you’re DEERing and operating from a weak frame making weak assumptions and weak decisions.
Why not just write an article titled “Problems - Why they're all your fault”. At this point, that's the logical next step.