Fearful Avoidant Wives

A primer on Attachment Theory

Sepean 2019

I have a fearful-avoidant wife and over the years I’ve learnt a lot about handling it - what to do and what not to do. I’ve given advice to some other men here with FA wives and it works.

If you’re not aware of what’s going on, FA can really throw you for a loop. She’s sweet, you stroke her hair - suddenly she’s disgusted with you. She’s an utter bitch and saying horrible things that makes you want to kick her out of the house - but soon after she’s all submissive and wants to suck your dick.

That’s a classic cycle for an FA girl: you being nice which makes her mean which makes you angry which makes her nice which makes you nice, repeat.

What is Fearful-Avoidance

A person with FA has low self-esteem and high distrust of others. They realize they need and want intimacy, but when they are in a relationship that starts to get close, their fear and mistrust surfaces and they distance.

If your wife is fearful-avoidant, you will likely have seen a cycle of you being nice which makes her mean which makes you angry which makes her nice which makes you nice, repeat. She also likely reacts with disgust or distancing to signs of affection like cuddling or intimate talks.

This describes it well: https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/fearful-avoidant/

I can also recommend this book: it will give you a deeper understanding but it isn’t big on actionable advice. It helped my wife reading it, and it helped with how we raise our kids. If either or both of you have insecure attachment styles, for the sake of your kids read this book so you don’t pass on your dysfunction to them.

Attachment theory is one of the best researched and most well documented areas of psychology outside of pathological conditions, it isn’t just some pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo. Don’t confuse it with attachment parenting though, that is just some homegrown stuff (seems designed to sell books to moms seeking to justify their overprotective parenting iirc).

Make sure she is FA before taking this advice

FA girls are a special bunch - don’t make the diagnosis to cover up your own shortcomings and then proceed to fuck shit up. Secure girls won’t react well to this.

There is an excellent test for general attachment style here (this is a real psychology test based on thousands of subjects across 60+ countries)

The MRP playbook is still king

MRP is still the foundation. It’s still about SMV, frame and game. She’s still a woman, and AWALT.

The way to think about FA is that 95% of the time everything is normal, but certain things will trigger abnormal behavior in her.

And don’t fall into the trap of using her FA as an excuse for your failings.

If she's not fucking you, it's because your SMV is low, period.

The limits to happiness with an FA partner

This is not a guide that will make everything rosy. That’s not an option if your wife is FA. All the literature I’ve seen suggests these people simply can’t make relationships work. With MRP tools you’re at another level and it can become good, but FA is a serious issue that won’t go away. Manage your expectations and focus on mitigation, not cure.

If marriage is hard mode, FA is nightmare mode. Not all the time, there will be plenty of good periods, but there will be absolutely awful periods.

Understanding the fearful response

When her fearful response triggers, that’s pretty simple. She is hit harder by the fear of losing you, and she’ll become more needy and try harder to get you to stay. It’s worth remembering when she’s freaking out about something - there’s a fearful response at the end of it that will pull her back.

Understanding the avoidance response

The avoidance response is more complicated. She’s still a woman, she still wants intimacy and comfort. But these very things can trigger her avoidance response. Deep inside, an FA feels there’s something unlovable or even repulsive about her, and if you ever find out her true nature you’ll leave her. This means that when she feels the level of intimacy grows, she’ll begin to panic with a bizarre fear of you discovering her true nature and being disgusted with her, and when her feelings grow stronger she’ll fear the (to her) inevitable separation will just end up hurting more.

The reaction is to push you away and reduce the intimacy. Major avoidance episodes get so bad that part of her wants out of the relationship, but the fearful response keeps her from actually ending it. She’ll try to provoke or taunt you to end it instead - saying she’ll never be able to live up to your expectations, that you might as well end it, she’ll say stuff she knows you hate or that disgusts you.

Don’t ever give her ultimatums about what she can’t say in arguments, like “if you threaten to leave again, we’re over”. When her avoidance response takes over, she wants you to end it. She can’t and won’t do it herself, but if she can goad you into it, that’s an easy out. She’ll regret it once her avoidance episode ends, but in the heat of the moment she feels differently about it.

She’ll also say the stuff you hate to hear the most, stuff that will make you disgusted with her. Your core values, she’ll belittle them, she’ll shit on whatever identity you have of being a family man. Don’t give her ammunition - don’t tell her what really gets to you or what disgusts you, don’t tell her she can’t say shit like that again, even during calm times. Opening up about these things or warning her is giving her the argument manual for the next major avoidance episode.

This is important, so I’ll say it again: during major avoidance episodes, she’ll try to ruin the relationship, she’ll try to drive you away. She’ll say anything and everything. She’ll regret it later, but you’ll have to live with what she said. Telling her what you absolutely can’t live with her saying is exactly what she’ll be yelling at you in the future.

The avoidance response also sends her hamster on overdrive, it’ll warp reality far beyond the normal hamstering and there is no talking it down.

Minimizing daily avoidance stress

Signs of affecting like cuddling, stroking her hair, intimate talks, they stress her out, so you should stop it.

Instead, be her oak. She can cuddle up to your chest, but don’t be affectionate back. Protecting her and the body language that goes with it is fine, seeking intimacy is not (by intimacy I mean the emotional kind, it’s not an euphemism for sex or flirting). Grabbing or groping her is also fine. It’s the emotional intimacy that makes her scared - it’s fine that her man is dominant, protective and sexually interested in her.

It’s like she has a hideous scar under her shirt - don’t make her fear you’re going to lift it up and look at it. Once she gets comfortable knowing you won’t probe deeper, she’ll have a much easier time cuddling up to you and showing weakness and need of comfort. If on the other hand you teach her that you’ll get affectionate when she is, she’ll refrain from it.

Even if she needs comfort, you shouldn’t try to pass comfort tests it with too much intimacy. It is much better to fail a comfort test than trigger her avoidance. Try to get a feel for what she can handle - hopefully a hug and a kind word won’t trigger it.

The best way to provide comfort is often just doing non-intimate beta. Work on the house, do something with the kids. That shows you’re there for her and the family without triggering avoidance. If she’s throwing a comfort test, it is often better to go clean something than to talk to her.

Withdrawing affection

We often recommend guys with a misbehaving wife to withdraw affection but continue owning his shit. The problem with an FA wife is that not showing her any attention but still doing stuff around the house and with the kids is probably the state she is most comfortable in. In MRP this may be the default OI behavior for her not living up to your standards, and women without attachment issues will become slightly uncomfortable and seek to regain some attention, but an FA wife will not do that. To correct her behavior you will have to "check out".

You emotionally check out of the relationship for a period. Leave the house. Be selfish. Shift chores you'd do unto her. Hog the TV and watch stuff she doesn't like. You need to do this more often and for smaller things than secure girls. Make her earn her way back in your good favor. And don't be afraid to ramp it up, go really cold and aloof - at this point the other end of her attachment issues begin to work in your favor. The fearful response kicks in and she will freak out more than women without attachment issues and be willing to do more to get back in your favor. As always be careful of not seeming butthurt since that isn't sexy, shoot for something more along the lines of her not living up to your expectations, so why does it matter what she wants. Down the line I had to stay disappointed for longer even as she tried to earn her way back in, because she seemed to get the idea she could be a bitch and then just fuck me when she wanted me back. If you’re new to MRP, reward good behavior right away, but you may have to change tactics later to beat her girl game.

The curse of high alpha and being happy

Surprisingly, the real problem with an FA wife shows when you’re further in the process, when your alpha is high and she’s being submissive. At this point, she’s more attracted to you and loves you more. For someone with FA, that just means the stakes are that much higher for when you finally “figure her out and dump her”. It’s more avoidance stress.

Submissiveness is a very intimate experience, again an avoidance trigger.

You’re happy with your sweet, submissive and kinky wife - but for an FA that triggers feelings of suspicion and mistrust. They deeply believe there is something wrong with them and you being happy with her makes her fear that you’ll soon figure out her true nature and it ends.

I have seen a clear pattern that whenever I felt that life with her was really good, a major avoidance episode was coming. We’re talking her breaking stuff, assaulting me, threatening to take the kids away, saying the vilest shit you can imagine.

This is by far the worst problem with FAs. All the other stuff is manageable, but that your relationship being really good is in itself what breaks it, how do you get around that?

I tried being less alpha for a period, and while that saw a real reduction in avoidance behavior, I couldn’t live with it. It felt fake, and I missed the high levels of submissiveness and kinkyness from her.

The solution is to never be content. In this case, good is the enemy of perfect, and even of good itself. There’s no standing still, no enjoying what you’ve achieved from her, with her. Always be dominating and demanding. Expect more from her. When she gets everything you asked for right, expect more.

She will try to fuck everything up the second you’re happy with what you have. It’s not that you have to be grumpy all the time. Think more of it like the entrepreneur that loves what he’s doing, loves his business and leads his employees well and celebrates success, but he’s always fucking pushing for more from everyone around him. Don’t settle for less.

If you’re happy and content, you’re seconds from disaster.

Overcoming sexual inhibition

FA girls have low self esteem - they don’t think they’re good enough, and they don’t trust that people will react well to what they do.

This means major inhibition. Even when they’re turned on, they’ll hide their feelings and control their expression. Like insecure teenagers make weird faces when their picture is taken (better goof off instead of taking the risk trying to look pretty), they’ll do the equivalent in bed and be purposefully silly or awkward. It’s incredibly hard to get them to loosen up. The problem is rarely any physical boundaries, they’ll be up for trying most stuff. The problem is usually all the emotional stuff like eye contact, moaning, sexy body language.

On top of those inhibitions, there are the classic FA insecurities: what if she tries her best and that isn’t enough for you, and the fear of deep emotional connection in itself.

The basis of all of this is still your SMV: alpha, frame, game, looks. Don’t try to force shit you don’t have the SMV to back up.

But you will need to push her more than other girls. You need to have talks with her, explain exactly what you expect. You need to be dominant with her. You need to not accept less than her best performance.

Start with one thing, tell her exactly how you want her to do that thing. If she doesn't, tell her again - if she messes it up (she'll do that on purpose), correct it. When she doesn't comply, put on your pants an leave. Check out, and be frank that you're not interested in someone not willing to put in effort to please you.

Repeat with the next thing. We're talking small stuff, like tongue action during BJs is one thing, lots of saliva is another, etc.

Increasing alpha and SMV only got my wife from "low libido" to horny but very inhibited. Then I had to wear down each of her inhibitions, now she'll talk technique while sucking dick, she licks my nipples while riding me, etc.

Being OI about it and hoping it'll get better just by having high SMV will get you nowhere or at best it improves so slowly you hardly notice, you'll just be disappointed with her performance forever. Push it and push hard, one thing at a time. There's a lot to go through, it'll take time even if you go at it, so might as well get started once you have the SMV for it.

The toughest part is when sex is only really good and you have to put on your pants and walk out because you want it to be super awesome. It’s hard to walk out on good sex, but if you don’t it is not likely to get better no matter how much you increase your SMV. You’re dealing with strong fears and inhibitions, it takes some pushing to get her out of her comfort zone.

The good news is, if you put in the effort it works. She can get comfortable doing new stuff and learn to approach it with enthusiasm and pride.

Dealing with avoidance episodes

Her avoidance is triggered badly, and she’s being an utter bitch, trying to taunt you to end it. What do you do?

Her hamster goes into overdrive, the stuff she’ll imagine is like something from a paranoid schizophrenic. If you STFU, she’ll take it to mean she’s right. If you A&A it, she’ll take it literally. You have to counter any unreasonable accusations - once. It might be DEERing, but if you don’t you’ll have to deal with a deeply rooted delusion.

After that, the usual shit testing methods apply, just be careful with the A&A as she takes it literally, and remember what I said about avoiding ultimatums.

Don’t give any ground, and under no circumstance go for comfort and affection - that just makes it worse, the real problem here is her avoidance, not what she’s accusing you of, including that you don’t love her. Correct her once, matter of factly, then pressure flip or whatever. Don’t fall into the trap of showing affection during an avoidance episode.

Another thing I’ve found works well is just being laid back about it and saying she’s so predictable - “we got close, so you freaked out, and tomorrow you’ll be all sweet trying to make it up to me. Just like last time. It’s not like what you’re feeling now is relevant.”

If she’s on her way to go really off the deep end, don’t hold your temper back. Just go full caveman angry. If she’s going there, it is better for you to go off early, otherwise her shit just keeps getting meaner and meaner until she crosses a hard boundary. And trust me, her crossing hard boundaries is not fun, you both have to live with what was said and some shit just erodes your connection. Put a stop to it early, get angry and/or leave.

The bad episodes usually take 1-3 days for me. In the end, she comes to her senses by you yanking on the fearful chain, it’s not until she fears she’s losing you she’ll back down. One way or the other, that’s where you end up so even though she’ll act like the sky is falling and your marriage is over for sure, it’s just warm air. Don’t worry, her fearful response yanks her back in.

And the fearful response is strong, she’ll do exactly what you like. It’s a good time to work on her inhibitions.

Dread and jealousy

FAs are very mistrusting and prone to jealousy. Dread still has its place, but go up the dread scale slower than you normally would. Less will do more for you, and too much will set off a much worse reaction.

When combined with avoidance, jealousy will kick into absolute overdrive and reach pathological levels. Be really careful with any level of dread if intimacy is high.

A great life with a fearful-avoidant wife?

It’s doable. You need to get your SMV up, like any other man, and you’ll get a sweet and submissive wife. But you need to put in a ton of work to overcome her inhibitions, one at a time. You need to manage intimacy levels and never get content. You’ll likely still see bad avodiance episodes, say once or twice a year, and at high SMV they’re much, much worse than what you saw previously. The main trick here is to not reveal to her how she can really piss you off, and to shut the episodes down quickly - three days of escalating provokation is much worse than one.

But put in the work and 95% of the time, things are great. She's sweet, we touch and kiss a lot during the day, at any time I can unzip and she’ll give a BJ like a camgirl, she’s lively and enthusiastic during sex. The other 5% range from annoying to a nightmare, and you just have to suck that up if you want to live with a fearful-avoidant wife.

The Applicability of Attachment Theory

SteelSharpensSteel 2023

One of the key tenets here at MRP has been to just focus on yourself. STFU, lift, and sidebar, amirite. Save the man, not the marriage. Hoo rah. If you look back historically at the seduction community, such as SoSuave and alt.seduction.fast, there was more of a focus on understanding women and what makes them tick. Here at MRP, guys typically come here through some Google search about having more sex or respect from their wife (or deadbedrooms or doing a search for ILYBINILWY), they get blindsided at the info here, stop their Nice Guy behaviors using No More Mr. Nice Guy, learn how to say No to their wife after reading When I Say No I Feel Guilty, attempt to build a frame from the resources, go hit the gym in some form or fashion, autistically shut up, and generally fumble their way to a better sex life after failing over and over while the rest of us laugh at them (or crash and burn, but hey, we need a success story around here every now and then).

What we’ll be talking about today is more evo-psych, looking at something called attachment theory, and using that to show relevance to MRP and adding a tool to the toolbox. This falls into the sidebar/know yourself category.

What is Attachment Theory

From the book Attached by Levine/Heller, “Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. In addition, people with each of these attachment styles differ in:

• their view of intimacy and togetherness • the way they deal with conflict • their attitude toward sex • their ability to communicate their wishes and needs • their expectations from their partner and the relationship

All people in our society, whether they have just started dating someone or have been married for forty years, fall into one of these categories, or, more rarely, into a combination of the latter two (anxious and avoidant). Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized category.

Over the past two decades, adult attachment research has produced hundreds of scientific papers and dozens of books that carefully delineate the way in which adults behave in close romantic ties. These studies have confirmed, many times over, the existence of these attachment styles in adults in a wide range of countries and cultures, including the United States, Australia, Canada, Germany, Israel, Italy, Portugal, the Netherlands, and the United Kingdom.

Understanding attachment styles is an easy and reliable way to understand and predict people’s behavior in any romantic situation. In fact, one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.

Other experiments have produced even more far-reaching results. Brian Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto, studies psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension and, in particular, the way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood pressure. In one of his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical proximity! The implications of this study are profound: When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.”

Interesting stuff. Wouldn’t that be interesting if you can reliably understand and predict your wife’s behavior in any romantic situation. Plus there are health considerations. However, I can hear Rian and weakandsensitive mentioning that really, it’s the wife’s job for the relationship. You do what you want. To that, I would say, A. B. C. Always Be Calibrating. You have to be aware of how the game is played, and what influences are happening to you.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style is characterized by several key attributes:

Trust: Individuals with a secure attachment style have a strong sense of trust in themselves and others. They believe that their needs will be met, and they have confidence in the reliability and availability of their attachment figures.

Emotional Stability: People with a secure attachment style generally have a stable and balanced emotional state. They are comfortable expressing their emotions and have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress and challenges.

Intimacy and Connection: Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with closeness and intimacy in relationships. They value emotional connection and seek out healthy, fulfilling relationships based on mutual support and understanding.

Autonomy and Independence: Despite their comfort with closeness, securely attached individuals also maintain a healthy sense of independence. They are capable of exploring the world and pursuing their own interests while still maintaining strong emotional bonds.

Effective Communication: Those with a secure attachment style possess strong communication skills. They are able to express their needs and emotions clearly and assertively, while also being receptive and empathetic to others' feelings and perspectives.

Emotional Resilience: Securely attached individuals are generally resilient in the face of challenges and setbacks. They have a positive outlook on life and are able to bounce back from difficulties with the support of their attachment figures.

Positive Self-Esteem: People with a secure attachment style tend to have a healthy self-esteem. They have a positive self-image and believe in their own worth and capabilities.

Flexibility and Adaptability: Securely attached individuals are adaptable in their relationships. They are open to change, able to adjust to new situations, and are willing to compromise when necessary.

Overall, a secure attachment style is characterized by a strong sense of trust, emotional stability, healthy intimacy, autonomy, effective communication, resilience, positive self-esteem, and adaptability. These qualities contribute to the formation of secure and satisfying relationships with others.

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style is associated with certain characteristic behaviors and traits:

Fear of Abandonment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often experience intense fear and anxiety about being abandoned or rejected by their attachment figures. This fear may lead to clingy and dependent behaviors in relationships.

Constant Need for Reassurance: People with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners. They may have a heightened sensitivity to signs of rejection or distance, leading to an increased need for verbal and physical reassurance.

Overanalyzing and Ruminating: Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to overanalyze and ruminate on relationship dynamics. They may excessively scrutinize their partner's behaviors and interpret them as signs of rejection or impending abandonment.

Jealousy and Possessiveness: Those with an anxious attachment style may exhibit jealousy and possessive tendencies in relationships. They may fear that their partner will be drawn to others or seek emotional or physical intimacy outside of the relationship.

High Emotional Reactivity: People with an anxious attachment style often experience intense emotions and may have difficulty regulating them. They may react strongly to perceived threats or relationship conflicts, leading to heightened emotional responses such as anger, sadness, or anxiety.

Difficulty with Trust: Anxious attachment style individuals may struggle with trust, often due to past experiences of inconsistent or unreliable caregiving. They may have difficulty fully trusting their partners and may seek constant reassurance to alleviate their fears.

Overdependence on Relationships: Individuals with an anxious attachment style may rely heavily on their relationships for a sense of self-worth and validation. They may prioritize their relationships above other aspects of their lives and have difficulty maintaining a healthy balance between their personal and relational needs.

Tendency to Idealize Relationships: Those with an anxious attachment style often idealize romantic relationships and have high expectations for their partners. They may believe that their partner will fulfill all their emotional needs, leading to disappointment and frustration when those expectations are not met.

It is important to note that individuals with an anxious attachment style typically desire close and secure relationships but may exhibit behaviors that inadvertently push their partners away. Understanding and addressing these attachment patterns can lead to healthier relationship dynamics and improved emotional well-being.

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style is associated with several characteristic behaviors and traits:

Emotional Distance: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often maintain emotional distance and independence in relationships. They may have difficulty expressing or acknowledging their own emotions and may seem emotionally detached or aloof to others.

Fear of Intimacy: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They may have deep-seated fears of being engulfed or controlled by others, leading them to create emotional barriers and maintain a sense of autonomy.

Independence and Self-Reliance: Those with an avoidant attachment style prioritize their independence and self-reliance. They may rely heavily on themselves for emotional support and have a tendency to avoid relying on others or seeking help in times of need.

Dismissive Attitude: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may adopt a dismissive attitude toward relationships and emotional needs. They may downplay the importance of close connections and minimize their own emotional experiences.

Reluctance to Commit: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with committing to long-term relationships. They may feel uncomfortable with the idea of long-lasting emotional bonds and may prefer to keep relationships casual or maintain a certain level of distance.

Difficulty with Trust: Those with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty trusting others and forming deep emotional connections. They may have experienced past betrayals or disappointments, leading them to be wary of relying on others for support or validation.

Self-Sufficiency: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value their independence and self-sufficiency. They may prioritize self-reliance and may be hesitant to depend on others, even in times of emotional or practical need.

Deactivating Strategies: Those with an avoidant attachment style often employ deactivating strategies to cope with emotional closeness. These strategies include suppressing emotions, avoiding discussions about feelings, or engaging in activities that distract from emotional connection.

It's important to note that individuals with an avoidant attachment style may desire connection and relationships, but they may struggle with maintaining emotional closeness and intimacy. Understanding these attachment patterns can help in developing strategies to navigate relationships more effectively and cultivate more secure and fulfilling connections.

Thanks ChatGPT for those three definitions. Saved me the time of typing them out.

Protest Behavior

From the book Attached, “Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you.

Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. It is very important to learn to recognize them when they happen. These behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time.”

There’s also a relevant box in said book listing out different types of protest behavior:

“Protest Behavior—Letting Your Attachment System Get the Best of You

Excessive attempts to reestablish contact:

• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her.

Withdrawing:

• Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.

Keeping score:

• Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time. When Ryan decided not to leave a message for Shauna after she screened his calls, he was keeping score (“If she’s not answering my calls, I won’t leave her a message”).

Acting hostile:

• Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).

Threatening to leave:

• Making threats—“We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.

Manipulations:

• Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.

Making him/her feel jealous:

• Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.”

Now be honest. How many of you have done any of these? Fairly interesting, isn’t it. Imagine that, you have a attachment system whirling around in your brain and it’s affecting your behaviors. Like the last one, “telling your partner about someone who hit on you today”. Jack10 mentioned that in Active Dread vs Passive Dread. There are multiple tie-ins to MRP here.

SMV and Attachment

Rollo tangentially touched upon this subject on his blog - https://therationalmale.com/2013/06/20/smv-ratios-attachment/

The relevant quote is here: “Roissy once proposed that the strength and security of any relationship rests in the disparity between each person’s sexual market value. While I endorse this principle entirely, I’m going to take it a bit further. As a general principle it works well for the guy wanting to maintain his frame in an LTR, however there’s more wrapped up in that SMV disparity than I think has been explored thus far.

As I began here, SMV doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Men may have an Alpha dominance established only to have it knocked back down after failing a particularly bad shit test. He may rate lower or higher depending on a social status that’s in flux. A woman must find ways to cope with an ever decaying SMV once she reaches her SMV peak and begins her decline towards the Wall. Childbirth and rearing, weight gain, satisfying a security need, and many other factors may also accelerate this process.

What I’m going to do here is propose a general outline for SMV disparity based on the ratio between both sexes. Before you read my outlines, keep in mind the Cardinal Rule of Relationships: In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least. The overarching concept here is that the person in the relationship with the superior sexual market value will at least be perceived by the person of lesser value to need them less than the other. If it is established by concrete social proof that one person is of higher SMV than the other, it’s usually an accepted reality of that relationship, but bear in mind that it is the fluctuating perception of SMV that has more influence on the attachment and strength of that relationship.”

Initially this quote was tied to Relationship Attachment, but I’m going to take it into a bit of a different direction. Your SMV influences your relationship, which ties into how you relate and are attached to each other. Your SMV is very relevant to how you interact with your wife, and how your wife interacts with you. As example, as you increase your SMV, very likely this will provoke insecurity and anxiety in your wife, inducing behaviors that lead to her having an anxious attachment style. Is this good? Bad? Indifferent? The mere increase of SMV can move someone from one attachment style to another. Be aware of this fact.

How The Fuck This Applies to MRP

So, now that you have a basic idea about secure, anxious, and avoidant styles, how would this be applicable to MRP? First off, you should take a hard look at yourself. It’s important to recognize what sort of attachment you have and your relationship to your wife. Why? That feeds into the “be attractive, don’t be unattractive” line we quote around here. What attachment style do you have, and what unattractive behaviors is that causing? For example, say you have an anxious attachment style. Perhaps this anxious attachment style is causing you to be a Dancing Monkey. To take a quote from that post, “A hawt, ripped boy-toy with some game can attract women for a STR or ONS, but the attraction quickly fades if you're still just a pedestalizing, people-pleasing pussy who can't or won't stand up for himself, and actively assert himself and lead rather than just withdraw by leaving or STFU when challenged.”

Second of all, take a hard look at your wife. In the interest of leading the hamster through the maze, you can recognize how your wife attaches to you, and calibrate accordingly. If you are in the anger phase, you can really fuck it up, so here’s some dynamite go to town go work on your anger phase.

As an example, say you again are new to MRP, and you are in this cycle of Anxiously Initiate Sex - Rejected - Become Butthurt and Avoidant - Get Angry - Anger makes you Horny - Anxiously Initiate Sex - Rejected and the cycle continues (mostly because you are fat and unattractive). Maybe you just jump to Avoidant because you’re sick and tired of initiating, and you’re angry at your wife, and you’re really angry at yourself because of how low you’ve sunk. And your wife is exhibiting all the classic symptoms of Avoidant. Recognizing how you are attaching to your wife, and how your wife is attaching to you, allows you to begin the steps to change behaviors.

Or perhaps you are going through or have finished a divorce. You may have sat down with a therapist because, let’s be honest, going through a divorce is one of life’s largest stressors, and it’s worth evaluating to see whether or not you should talk to a therapist. It would be worth looking historically at if you had a poor attachment style and how you can fix that for the future. Perhaps it made you unattractive. Perhaps it didn’t. It’s worth looking at so you don’t make the same mistakes over and over. Maybe you’ve evaluated yourself and you have a Anxious attachment style, which causes you to put your wife up on a pedestal. I’m going to give you a news flash – if you put your wife up on a pedestal, all she can do is look down on you. Maybe you should stop your Anxious tendencies.

You get the idea.

Paint Is Not To Be Eaten

Say that you just got to MRP, your mind is spinning with thoughts of STFUing and getting laid, and you come across this post talking about attachment styles. You may think to yourself, oh, looky here, I found the keys to the kingdom. No. None of this is to supersede general principles. Be attractive, don’t be unattractive. Build a solid frame. Become attractive to all women, not just your wife. This post is merely a supplement (or yet another suppository), so that you recognize your unattractive behaviors and the influences on your system.

I would also encourage you in your readings to be discerning. For example, there is a quote about how you should wear your heart on your sleeve in one of the books. I don’t have to tell you how that falls into the unattractive side of the house.

News flash, this is not a cure all. Taking a moment to understand how attachment plays a part in your relationship does not mean you do not get out of doing the work.

Finally, don’t go blabbing to your wife about how you are SURE that she has an avoidant attachment style and that she needs to fix that so you can have the sexy times. Wait, scratch that. Go try it. For science. And report back on how her panties dropped. All field reports welcome.

For those who are therapists or psychiatrists, and I know we have a few on the boards, I would be interested in hearing your take on things.