I see it the workshop that I run. For years, it’s men quietly working on boundary enforcement and all the other boring red pill stuff that gets all the work done but doesn’t make good youtube content. I see it with the Masculine Coaches™ on Twitter. I see it with friends when they had too much to drink and an earful of nagging at the Christmas party. I’ve seen it in the rain, I’ve seen it on a train. I’ve seen it in the air, it’s out there everywhere.
I do not like autists dear men.
I do not like them, annoyed I am.
What is it? A guy playing a joke on his wife at their gender reveal party. He loses the balloon while his Tiger wife bitches him out in front of everyone, only to see it was a fake balloon. His friend awkwardly brings out the real balloon while she continues to bitch him out for making her believe he was a fucking idiot for him making her bitch him out.
“You know this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” child spanking vibes.
Reading through the comments, you see single guys and henpecked married guys giving their interpretations of this situation:
Too late. The narrative is established. She is empowered by disrespecting and belittling him to her friends and family already. It won’t change.
I'm lost for words. The way he kept it cool shows that’s what he's used to.
It's not the 1st time...with the "see what I mean?" She has been open about him to others. This relationship is doomed! She is not equal to him. He is beneath her, and she makes that clear!
She has contempt for him & he tolerates it, the baby may not even be his - regardless, she will leave/cheat on him.
Roles reversed would’ve been classed as abuse.
He should've figured it all out before he married her. It's far too late, even if he checks her.
A real woman will discuss her issues behind closed doors. This is a disrespectful lady behaving in such a manner for all to see. Don’t settle for less than your worth, young king👑
It all fits a standard, frustrated male narrative. Angry that men and women aren’t the same, nor are they treated the same. Variations of him vetting his wife better. Anything that isn’t a perfect marriage means she was actually knocked up by some other dude, probably a criminal. She should act right, but incentives don’t matter. And my favorite, the only solution is to upend your family, throw away your life and start fresh!
If you want to know why I’m so crass and acerbic on Twitter, this is why. Men with megaphones sitting around sharing in their collective misery, sharing platitudes that offer nothing of value to anyone, except to feel and cope better with these lives of quiet misery. Louder lives with more misery; makes you feel like you don’t have it so bad! The ghost of Maury Povich haunts us still.
And the coach that’s giving out real truths isn’t giving out anything. What do you do here? Don’t tolerate disrespect, that’s what! Thanks coach, let me guess: the trick to mortality is to avoid death; or the Superbowl only takes 90 minutes to win! Not wrong, but missing a lot of prep work beforehand.
It reminds me of the classic example of how to drawn an owl
There are solutions, but the problem is they don’t fit on Tweets. They take time, effort, consistency, and most importantly, they don’t need feelings. It’s bolded because most men fuck this up because they are focused on their feelings. I’ll repeat it until it sinks in: modern men are raised to be defective women. Neurotic, emotional, conflict averse, and prone to lashing out to solve problems.
The key to solving problems like this happens 12 months before you have a gender reveal party. Ask yourself, why did that women feel emboldened to bitch out her husband in front of her social group? Why does everyone at the party treat it as a punchline and not as an awkward social faux pas? Why is the guy still laughing and consoling her afterwards? Why is it the audience starts bringing out thousands of bravado laden comments about it?
I wrote an essay 3 years back, talking about Testicular Cancer meetings, this is one of them. Guys who give horrible advice and why they do it. Daniel, Peter, David, Cliff, and Darren. Everyone knows someone like these guys:
Daniel: He is the one who worships women. He will suggest this is the guys fault and he should have respected his woman more. His only answer to any hardship is to double down and worship her harder. Hope she sees this bro.
Peter: Likes to be part of a group. Peter has crippling insecurity so he says whatever he thinks people want him to say. Online he will wear misogyny as a skin suit because the he-man woman haters club is his ‘tribe.’ Offline he will agree with whatever the strongest woman says.
David: Dave is like Peter, but he’s self aware. He knows he ain’t shit and so he acts as the enforcer for whomever is leading the pack. At the party he’s bitching the dude out. Online he’s repeating what Real Truths 4 Men said but in his own words
Cliff: He doesn’t give a shit about any of this. Whatever resentment Cliff has, he uses this to talk about it. Is this because of the Democrats? Feminists? Men who don’t have a rite of passage like a caveman? Who cares, he’s gonna jam it in there like an incel laying on a sex doll.
Darren is me, Darren is a switched on version of you. Darren is drowned out by every other man who would rather be a fuck up in a group of fuck ups than stand alone as a man in a happy relationship. No one listens to Darren so Darren doesn’t offer to help. Darren committed the cardinal sin when it comes to listening to women complaining:
‘Never try to solve the problem, just let them feel what they feel’
Those are the players, those are the motivations, and roughly, that is the Pareto distribution in action. 4 useless guys clucking like chickens, and one man who gets it.
Gets what? Boundaries, enforcement, and social savviness. 3 simple concepts. Not easy, simple. Such as:
Boundaries
Boundaries require a lot from you. You have to have enough experience and abundance in life to know what you want. More importantly, enough experience to know what you definitely do not want. There will always be experience that you don’t know or have a strong opinion about, but the smaller the gap, the better the boundaries become.
There is no right or wrong angers either. Everyone loves to wax categorical with their values. Men shall not X, Men shall not Y. Like tablets off the mount, men raised to act like women love the idea of a universal moral center that they can use as a checklist.
“Shes’s got no tattoos, natural hair color, loves her dad and goes to church. I think this ones a keeper boys!”
Great, what’s your plan when she’s tired and hasn’t eaten, then decides it’s a good idea to go feral? Stomp your feet and demand she respects you of course. She’s equal to you, and your subservient to her! You vetted her with that checklist of loose qualities that someone told you off the internet, this shouldn’t be happening! Funny how ideology works right? Make up a worldview and demand that everyone adhere to it, otherwise you have a temper tantrum.
If it sounds like how I describe unhealthy Narcissism, you’re right. What, the shrinks told you it only counts if it’s delusions of grandeur? Show me where you read that. It turns out unhealthy narcissism comes with it’s own defence mechanisms:
That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad
And if it was, that's not a big deal
And if it is, that's not my fault
And if it was, I didn't mean it
And if I did, you deserved it.
It’s got nothing to do with being a real, top G. It has everything to do about made up identities and narratives, while reducing the human beings around you to archetypes and symbols to feed your fantasies. In this case, you did your vetting. She has the superficial qualities that fictional woman have in an idealized scenario. She does something that disregards the narrative, intentionally or not. You have a temper tantrum because she’s going off script. Nothing you did had any effect on this, it’s all someone else’s fault and the narrative moves on. You double down on what you were doing before and only know how to get angry when everyone won’t accommodate it.
Those man hating feminists have a point, men are fucking trash.
Now it’s not just the commenters who have their big N narcissism. The wife has her own fantasy, the husband has his fantasy. It’s the all singing all dancing compost heap etc etc. Of course the wife’s narrative is the strong one because she is Tiger Mom and he is thirsty and validation seeking. The commenters are either in similar lives and want to escape into the land of men laying down the law, or they are terrified of it happening to them and they overcompensate with bravado.
Notice the only thing missing from this complex web of personalities and motivations is the desire to have a happy, healthy, sustainable and functional relationship with a human being?
Red Pill doesn’t have any hard and fast rules, but the closest it comes is suggesting a man wait until at least 30 before settling down. Why? Because it takes time to gain enough confidence about your preferences to have any boundaries worth enforcing. What, you are positive you don’t want a girl with coloured hair? What you gonna do when your girlfriend of 2 years, mortgage in tow, comes home in My Little Daddy Issue pink?
That’s right, stomp your feet and demand she respect you, because you don’t have a boundary, you have an ultimatum. Ultimatums are demands the other person accommodate you without any power or incentives to make them do so. Protip, women call your bluff because most guys are bluffing.
Personally, I don’t care much about that. colored hair and tattoos tell me nothing about a woman. Keeping strange dick outta her and embarrassing my publicly on the other hand, are boundaries I want enforced.
So what’s the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? Consequences, because if you don’t want it bad enough to enforce it, then you don’t want it at all.
Enforcement
When it comes to boundaries, men used to have it easy. Make sure the stick you would beat your wife with was no bigger than your thumb, hence the rule of thumb. If she shames your family, get together at the barbeque and throw rocks until she stops thotting around. This is what the feminists have taken from you, king
Unfortunately we have civilized ourselves past the level of bronze aged conquerors. Violence is frowned upon. Big corporations need everyone to show up to work, so we can’t have people falling down stays all the time.
Satire aside, you only have 3 tools to enforce a boundary in the modern age: your attention, your affection, and your commitment. Since you no longer have the stick, you can only remove the carrot. Luckily for you this scalpel works so much better than the cudgel. You may be thirsty, you may want to get laid and you may want to have a girlfriend or a wife, but she needs a man, capital N. If she doesn’t, then you’re not in a relationship, you’re playing peasant fiefdom, the home game. It’s dead, let it go.
For most though, there is hope. It starts small. She cusses you out, you calibrate your attention, affection and commitment to a level commensurate to you crossed boundary. She called you a bitch? ignore her for an hour and go tinker in the garage. She embarrassed you at your friends dinner party? Leave, she can get her own right home. She dicked down a co worker? Leave the ring on the kitchen counter and talk to your lawyer. These are random examples, but the key is proportion. It’s a concept called calibration.
Now most guys get it wrong the first few dozen times. They over react to small boundaries and under react to large ones. The outcomes let them know. So you pay attention. If the outcome is better for you then continue to do it that way, if it’s worse, then add or decrease intensity as required. there is no one size fits all, but there is a singular process for everyone. It’s a big reason I suggest field reports and OODA loops for men.
Observe, orient, decide, act, repeat. Write it all down. I talk about why in my book, so I won’t repeat myself here, but the point is solid. Sure, you’ll fuck it up. You’ll either be inconsistent and send mixed messages, or you’ll be uncalibrated and confusing everyone with your priorities. Eventually you will hone in on where you’re happy, and that’s where situations like the gender reveal party stop happening.
One quick warning: If you’re new to this, be aware that things get worse before they get better. People prefer consistency, and if you start having boundaries out of nowhere she WILL test them constantly. You will have to enforce everything at first. It’s easier for a person to manipulate you into acting the status quo than it is to adapt to something new. Eventually, with consistency, it gets better. Plus, once you’re threw the cunt wife gauntlet, thing soften up.
Social Savviness
There always side benefits to this. Social savviness is an underrated skill. When you get good at boundaries with the girlfriend, you get better with boundaries with family, friends, co workers, and bosses.
This means you’re willing to walk if you’re not paid what you’re worth (and have a plan for if he calls you on it) This means your mom guilt tripping you into something no longer has any effect (assuming she likes having communication with you at all.) This means respect. Not because you demand it, but because you command it through your boundaries.
Alternatively, stomp your feet in front of everyone and call her a cunt. Sure, all the wives will call you an abuser, all the husbands will agree with her in hopes their own wives fuck them later, and you may get a call from the local cops, but at least everyone knows you’re the fucking man, amirite?
Actually blocked my mom on all comm aps. We communicate only work related stuff by short emails. Did this a couple of months ago before getting to read you.
You cannot begin to imagine how my life has taken a turn for the better since she's had the volume turned down. Most people think it's heinous. She gave me life not extended her life though mine.
Fantastic post, thanks.