There are no experts online, only confident neurotics

I had the bad fortune to engage with one of Cartoons Hate Her articles on parenting. Not because she’s bad or anything, she was rather pleasant and neutral. She’s fairly normal as internet people go. The problem was the algorithm assumed that I wanted to hear a non stop firehose of parenting advice from bored, neurotic, well to do women who don’t have their husband’s at home telling them to calm down.

Right now there are hundreds of wives on maternity leave with nothing else to do but fight with other moms over whether screen-time will put your kids into stripper shoes and if sugar is a gateway drug to crack cocaine. There are ‘baby experts’ (we used to just call them women, but I’m glad they studied children in a lab somewhere for years) telling you when you’re allowed to feed them, what is allowable, and then a flood of regular people who remembered being raised with all the don’t do’s thinking they somehow avoided death 7,123 times before turning 5.

And they have SCIENCE!™ behind them now. A new study by … Okay I can’t remember. But they had a lot of rigor when they … okay I don’t remember that either. But the point was some asshole on social media said that you have to dance like a chicken, but not too much like a chicken or else your kids will … okay they weren’t that specific there either. The point is they offered a mainstream consensus on what I should do. this way, if something goes wrong it’s because I didn’t follow the study close enough, but it’s not my fault!

And if you think I’m just picking on soccer moms, I’m not. I’m very used to this neurotic pigeon dance. What’s a pigeon dance, you ask? Well, my made up friend I used to make a point, have you ever heard of behaviorism? B.F Skinner. Cool dude. Invented operant conditioning and determinism and against free will and all kinds of stuff that was definitely causing a lot of the problems we have today. Of course, that’s nothing new. Paul Popinoe, the father of modern marriage counselling was a eugenicist. They were all about creating the perfect human through selective breeding and social eugenics. Of course in the 40s, for some unknown reason, he found eugenics wasn’t very popular anymore and renamed it marriage counselling.

No, I’m not making it up.

Anyways, pigeons. So BF Skinner had an experiment. He would have a button in a cage. Pigeons would press the button. Sometimes a food pellet would come out, sometimes it wouldn’t. It was completely random. Why he did this I have no idea. But what he noticed was that the pigeons started to do strange consistent things. They would spin circles, do interesting dances. They had developed a new god and started to pray to him. They developed superstition and saw patterns where non existed.

So what does this have to do with neurotic soccer moms? None of this shit matters, it really doesn’t, but they have no feedback mechanism, so they have developed all kinds of nonsense to feel control. They are pigeons, dancing for food pellets. I’ll give you an example. Honey. They say don’t feed kids honey. It’s because kids don’t mix with botulism, and it hides in honey, sometimes. In 2020 there were 3.6 million children born, and 200 cases of botulism. That’s a 0.0077% risk. Now you may say why take any risk at all? And I’d agree. It’s honey, who cares? It’s one thing.

But it’s not one thing. It’s hundreds, thousands of things. No TV, listen to classical music in the womb, use formula, mix it with breast milk, don’t use formula, practice gentle parenting, spank your kids, don’t spank your kids, the list is endless and it’s no wonder women are losing their minds. Everyone on social media has a following, and that means pre-selection. And that means everyone is an expert, preaching the ‘should’ to the church of soccer mom. It’s conflicting, never explained, and always involves a lot of pigeon dancing.

now before you come into the comments and say something like ‘that one specific thing you mentioned is actually vital because of [reasons] and here’s a study that…’ I don’t care and that’s not the point. So you did some research, have some experience, and do things for a reason. This isn’t about you, it’s about the pigeons.

Remember when I said it’s not just here? I’m in that Red Pill space and the dudes do it there too. If you don’t have an iPhone women won’t fuck you. Every girl has an onlyFans now so you have to Google her. Women won’t love you without a six pack, six figure salary and six feet tall! That list is also endless. And they got guys online now who are getting plastic surgery and steroids and that ridiculously dangerous height bone surgery in their teenage years because of it.

Well, Fresh and Fit have two million subscribers, so I’m sure they know what they are talking about! Sure they do. A Somalian dating coach is probably just as professional as a Somali daycare worker.

And don’t even get me started on the politics guys. If I start doing their pigeon dances I’ll find Jews under my sink, stealing all my bacon grease. Jews made me watch tranny porn. Jews are why they screwed up the new season of Stranger things. Oh, you’re left wing? Racists are doing the same thing. the Klan stole your bike! And their pigeon dances are dancing on tiktok to the death of Charlie Kirk.

I can’t stand it, it’s endemic.

Now if it was a case of 80% of things being right and just having to wade through 20% bullshit that would be one thing. The problem is it’s the opposite. 80% of everything is bullshit. Remember that replication crisis? yeah, twenty years ago some eggheads got together and tried to replicate the most cited and popular science we had. turns out 80% of the time it wasn’t relocatable. That’s not a coin flip, that’s a warning. You could ignore everything to do with science claims and be right more than wrong.

And it’s been twenty years of insanity, DEI, racism, economic disaster and social media time since then. Do you think it’s gotten better, or worse?

I’m serious. If you hear something online, from a reputable source, claiming that science is on their side, with millions of people tuning in to to hear more truths, just know that you will do better by ignoring it, and best to do the exact opposite. If anyone tries to tell you anything (me included) and they can’t offer any sufficiently convincing explanation why it works without having to point to the SCIENCE!™ gods, then they are stealing your attention and paying you in anxiety.

Your husband clearly hasn’t told you to calm down, neither has your ‘dating guru’ so I will. Calm down, ignore it, trust what you can test. At least in that case you have some sort of feedback, because if you’re pushing the lever and hoping a pellet comes out you’ll end up dancing yourself to death.

Oh, and your kids will pick up on that neurosis and end up one of those crazies on Tiktok dancing to a neck shot in 4k.