It’s only when you stop loving your wife that your marriage will improve
You’re in for a fun one. This is a case study of someone who found the red pill the same week as I. He was past his initial anger and work. He was on a road trip where his wife unintentionally cut him deep with a flippant comment and he handled himself very well. He wouldn’t have been able to do this if he wasn’t sufficiently red pilled.
He then gave a great example of setting and enforcing a boundary, instead of being a retard and attempting to hold her accountable for her words and actions. Tagged on the end are the Mental Models of having your stay at home wife get a job, having the memory of a goldfish, and never saying no to sex since you’re setting expectations.
Enjoy
♦♦♦
I have a laugh that men have been raised to act like defective women, while the solution seems to be us taking female strategies and adopting them to male sensibilities. Got to love the irony.
Iron Rule of Tomassi #6
Women are utterly incapable of loving a man in the way that a man expects to be loved
Women are incapable of loving men in a way that a man idealizes is possible, in a way he thinks she should be capable of.
In the same respect that women cannot appreciate the sacrifices men are expected to make in order to facilitate their imperatives, women can’t actualize how a man would have himself loved by her. It is not the natural state of women, and the moment he attempts to explain his ideal love, that’s the point at which his idealization becomes her obligation. Our girlfriends, our wives, daughters and even our mothers are all incapable of this idealized love. As nice as it would be to relax, trust and be vulnerable, upfront, rational and open, the great abyss is still the lack of an ability for women to love Men as Men would like them to.
I’ve been reading field reports over the last few years now. As I relive 8 years of unplugging men, men who swapped notes and fucked more and made mistakes and conquered career and relationship I see an emerging trend. This trend is amusing. I’ve written about the concept of men raised to be defective women so much that it’s become a meme. The average guy instinctively knows to tell his buddy to ‘stop acting like a chick’ when he’s getting emotional or catty and his buddy knows this as a pejorative. On the opposite end of the spectrum (and I don’t know why everything about this space involves spectrums) I’ve written that many of the Praxeology’s Mental Models are in fact female strategies adopted to male sensibilities.
And this leads to the amusing part.
Once men lose their idealized, Disney-esque fantasy of love, devotion and fidelity to their wives, once they stop thinking thoughts like ‘she completes me’ and start growing colder, more distant and closed off, once men decide to adopt a more feminine outlook towards their relationships, which means more opportunistic and mercenary, everyone’s happiness in their relationship improves. In a place whose mantra was to develop a positive male identity, we have a practical result; where men adopt, as a matter of practicality, a feminine view of relationships (and arguably a negative, more selfish outlook)
You can’t help but chuckle at the irony.
This case study is one of a man who had come into the red pill and unplugged the same week as myself, along with another influencer you may know named Zac Small. (If you know, you know)
This man was Bogey, and his story was common, not special. After a period of decline his wife tries to leave, pulling some stunts along the way. He gets Zero’d out because of it and after some soul searching and Google Clicking finds his way here. He has done the same work I’ve discussed ad nauseum (in fact, a good portion of the Praxeology Series had been inspired by his work specifically.) He found himself at the end of his Action Plan. He then found a deficient wife and started pulling her into his Frame. Everyone ended up happy and he left while his career skyrocketed and his wife’s behavior improved significantly. He was even a local hero, during a natural disaster in his town when he had saved a lot of people in his neighborhood from flooding.
It really was one of the best success stories I’ve ever seen in this red pilled space.
But this field report was way earlier. Bogey had gotten through his anger phase, he was in the residual anger phase. He was almost finished in fact. But wives can be obtuse, and stupid. In this report she gives a great example on how men and women are not on the same team, women will not know the work you do to create success, nor will they appreciate it. Of course men can learn to accept this, on the condition that they are getting their needs met. The Mental Model I have written about here is that men cannot be concerned about what their wife is thinking or her motivations, only her actions. In other words:
“You can think what you like, just so long as you’re acting right.”
Bogey
I took the family on a horrible trip to Tennessee. The place was packed out the god damn Ying yang. I was waiting 2 hours for food any time of day. I held it together and the family found solace in my leadership. At the end of the trip, we went to Cracker Barrel and my wife wanted to do this or that. Something snapped in my head and I replied,
“No, I am done with this place. We can stop on the way home.”
So I lost my cool. She saw this, but instead of testing me she went ahead and said,
“Yeah, me too, lets get out of here.”
It didn’t help that there was no sex at all for 5 days because we shared a hotel room with my son. There were no other rooms available anywhere.
On the drive home she was very chatty. At one point (7 hours in) my wife starts talking about all the shit she was doing around the time she served my divorce papers. Eveyrthing was about how life was grand and fantastic, she was this or that — I finally told her to stop talking for a bit, because thats when you went to see your lawyer.
And she did. Immediately. A half hour later I struck up conversation again and carried on like nothing had happened. I think I fucked up, because for a moment I showed her that the divorce hurt me. I had to STFU. She doesn't get that level of access to me anymore. I could have changed the subject, but nope, I went ahead and shut her down. It's obvious that she is happy now. She’s in love, her hypergamy satisfied, and in some ways I feel like she thinks that serving me papers were the best thing that ever happened to us. Only she doesn't know that the next time I will just sign them and go on with life.
It’s a place between being checked out and being in a great marriage and she or I couldn’t be happier.
I spent the next 5 days passing every shit test known to man while I was on a business trip. I am leaving for another 2 weeks today. When I got home I took her to pound town in a very vicious way and those shit tests, for the most part, stopped.
Now for some bragging. She hit me with a comfort test on Thursday; a huge comfort test. She was worried about starting her job after being a stay at home mom for the past 3 years. She asked me how long my work out was tonight so she could decide to go. I told her as long as it takes. She asked again, but seriously, and I told said yeah, could be longer than the titanic movie.
She busted out crying huge tears and outright sobbing. I got up from my chair and went over to her and hugged her. Just a big ol’ bear hug. Even my son came over and hugged her. Then I went to make dinner, obviously she wasn't going to be up to it. Left her crying on the couch. When I came out of the pantry she was there and wanted another big hug. So I gave her one. Then she lit into the comfort and shit test all rolled into one.
“Sometimes you just need to answer me when I ask you a question”
‘…’
“You know what you have been doing lately. Always being a smart ass, never being serious.”
‘…’
“Her: When I ask you a question can you just answer me?”
‘You know sweet cheeks, its hard to be serious when all I can do is think about that ass.’
She laughs. I move in, hip pull her, and gtive a big hug
“So do we have a date tonight?” (read: sex)
‘Only if you are a good girl, no get in there and make us some dinner.’
The night before I turned her down for sex, and then had mediocre sex this morning. I was really tired and had just gotten off the plane at 11. This morning I was not feeling well, had a head ache, and just didn’t beat that pussy up like usual. She acted fine, but there has been a decline over the past week. It's the grueling schedule and it does take it's toll. What to do, I don't know but I am working on figuring it out.
These are the sorts of Field reports from a guy who gets it. He doesn’t have all the answer but he understands the assignment. There’s self awareness, introspection, and a healthy dose of misogyny. It’s all written in a matter-of-fact way that you will learn is a key part of a man who has his emotions in check and has truly internalized the Praxeology. You see, when a man is emotional, he makes sure to suggest he is saying or doing things ‘calmly and stoic.’ Men who are actually calm or stoic don’t use adjectives. Men who have their shit together give their field report all the flair of a shopping list.
That isn’t to say men don’t get to have emotions. The entirety of the emotional pillar, the foundations of Frame, involve us understanding our wetware. What do we feel, why do we feel it, and what are effective ways of acting once we feel them. In this case, Bogey’s wife ended up cutting an old wound. She had no idea she had done it, because for women they don’t think about guilt, only shame. So when she had talked about how great everything was when she was about to rip this family apart, she actually felt it. But that’s where you have to translate womaneese.
You see, it’s not that these things actually happened, and Bogey knows this. If you’re a typical guy, you take a woman at her word. This conversation then devolved into ‘holding that bitch accountable,’ which is a wonderful quote from a very popular RedPill™ content creator that is best known for knocking up an Asian prostitute and crying until she got an abortion. Of course it’s certainly not because he knows what he is talking about. Had the conversation become one of accountability it would have devolved, no one would have gotten laid and two women would be sitting in the front of their truck acting like catty bitches.
Because women don’t act like men. When they are talking like this they aren’t discussing matters of fact or memory, they are talking about their current emotional state. Bogey knew she was talking about how she feels now, and remembering the past from that same emotional state. This is how she processes her feelings. Of course she doesn’t remember being unhaaapy (the extra aa’s are purposeful) or selfishly about to rip the family apart for a vague sense of temporary joy. All she remembers is how she feels now and everything else exists to process that.
At the same time, no man likes salt thrown in the wound. And in what is one of my favorite red pilled moments, he mentions that was about the time you decided to leave, and maybe you should shut the fuck up for a while. He didn’t care what she thought, he didn’t care about holding her accountable, or making her empathize with his feelings or any other horseshit. She isn’t capable of loving him in that way, the way that men think women should be able to. His primary concern was to have her shut up, and to remember that she’s not his confidant here.
And my second favorite part is how this amazing revelation, this understanding of male and female dynamics, this internalization of male sexual strategy, this on-the-fly statement managed to navigate this situation? That it was peppered into a field report about a large group of people were annoying on a road trip, Cracker Barrel had a long wait time, and his wife’s meltdown over getting back into the work force. Matter of fact. It put everything into the perfect context, and I wish I could bottle this sentiment up and sell it in Target. I’d be a billionaire.
There’s three other points that aren’t related to the main thrust of this case study. That his stay at home wife is getting a job, doing your husbandly duties in the bedroom and having the memory of a goldfish. They are important, but not big enough points for their own case study.
Firstly, get your wife in the workforce. I don’t care about your strategy of retiring your wife or staying at home to raise the kids or whatever. In a house with kids over 5, a father ceases to be vital and starts to become convenience, until it isn’t. Few things ruin families and marriages better than bored housewives. They sip on their Milltown martinis, they look for excitement with the pool boy and they project their misery onto everyone else. Being a mother as an identity is a miserable existence, more so when the children gain more autonomy. Women, like men, need a purpose, even if it is sending emails and spreadsheets. A busy wife with workplace enemies is a content wife. It’s a practical solution to the problem of idle hands making the devils work.
And also, as a matter of practicality, you don’t want to set the expectation in your relationship that people say no to sex. When men haven’t gotten laid in a while we get horny, frustrated, and sexually aggressive. When women haven’t gotten laid in a while they just forget about getting laid. Is it because of the micro doses of testosterone we give to them during orgasm? Is it psychological? Who cares. You’ve gone without for a while and know that your wife or girlfriend needed a few sessions in order to get back into things. If you have a headache, are too tired, or she can’t sleep and is waking you up to fuck her to bed, just do it. As far as sacrifices men make towards their women, this is the easiest one to endorse. Set expectations as a matter of principle.
Finally, the memory of a goldfish. During your time on your Male Action Plan you will have success and failure. Emotions will run hot and cold. You’ll fuck up one day and succeed the next. This is an iterative game, not between you and her, but between you and where you want to be. The problem comes when you build up resentment from your failures and use them to conduct your actions in the future. Loss aversion is a bitch.
You may not be aware, but humans have a natural aversion to losing something which is twice as strong as gaining something. Losing 20 bucks in a slot machine pisses you off a lot more than winning 40 bucks ever will. Getting a hard rejection from your wife, her mouthing off a particularity irritating statement like ‘I was happier when I was about to leave you’ or her 50th time yelling at the kids when you told her not to is like losing that money in the slot machine. It affects you more than the time she woke you up for a blowjob.
But the key strategy here is to reset after each engagement. Play the nice card until you need to play the mean card, then next morning start again with the nice card. You know that you’ve done it, or know a lot of men who have. Holding grudges for days, playing the silent treatment, trying to withhold sex and hold his bitch accountable etc. He is acting like a defective woman. It’s never been about navigating a relationship, but soothing ones ego. Learning to compartmentalize these sort of lingering frustrations goes a long way towards bridging the gap between you and your woman.
You see your wife forgot how much of a cunt she was 5 minutes after being one. You haven’t forgotten that one time she was a cunt 5 years ago. Now I know this is disrespectful to dogs, dogs are awesome, but you have to start treating your woman like a dog. If your dog misbehaves and you weren’t there to catch it, you have to let it go. Otherwise your dog sees you punishing him and has no idea why. They just aren’t capable of drawing the connection to shitting on the floor and hour ago and you whacking him with a newspaper.
Fin
And with that lovely comparison I’ll end it here. Ignore what your woman is feeling, what she is thinking about and whether she needs to be held accountable. Focus on what she is doing and what you want. Don’t turn down sex since you don’t want to set the expectation that you both can do so. Understand that if your wife isn’t working, she’s a ticking time bomb of risk for you and your family. And always keep the memory of a goldfish, otherwise you will bring your frustrations to the forefront and relive them.
This was very insightful and really hit home for me. Thanks for the practical advice.
"Don't turn down sex since you don't wan to set the expectation that you both can do so."
What about starfish sex? Go along or get off and say "this isn't working for me"?